D day!! The calm before the storm!

Well, we made it! Its 2:15am and today is Buttons due date! After all the doctors, nurses and midwives that warned us to prepare for a premature delivery, there is still no sign!

I actually feel a little annoyed that because of this, i finished work so early. In actual fact i probably could have done an extra few weeks had i have known. I was, however beginning to struggle towards the end though so maybe it was for the best.

I thought id write this post to try and describe how I'm feeling now my due date has arrived, but i really don't know how to. I almost feel like I'm living in a bubble at the moment, I've got so many different emotions racing through me it almost doesn't feel real. I have felt an unusual sense of calm today, i assume its probably some natural hormone that's kicked in..

Its weird to think that i have spent the majority of my life being absolutely petrified of what i am about to do, and yet now, i am a matter of days or even hours away from it actually happening i feel the calmest i have about it in years. I guess the feeling of excitement is just taking over.

Having said that, i do keep having my little moments. I was laid in bed earlier and i went to read an app on my phone that I've been using for the whole of my pregnancy. It gives daily updates of whats happening in the little world of Button. Over the past months i have watched the countdown of days on this app, and it feels like only days ago we were beginning the countdown from 100. When i looked at it earlier, and instead of seeing a number of days remaining i saw the words 'delivery day'... it really hit me! Today is the day i have been focused on for the whole of this year, and its actually here!

I continued to read the daily update on my phone, and got into a little panic when i was reading how 'unbearable' the pain can get etc. I had a little cry and a snuggle with Adam and talked again about my fears and the sort of birth i want him to help me to achieve, and now I'm back to feeling calm again.

I'm also very over-emotional at the moment, i guess its just because i know our lives are about to change so much forever. Its so amazingly exciting, but scary at the same time. We now have the little moses basket in our (newly decorated and carpeted) bedroom! Whenever i turn over in the night and see it there next to my bed it makes me feel tearful. I've been to a couple of shops today too, and felt strangely emotional looking at the tiny clothes. All these months I've been looking at the girls, and the boys clothes and wondering which it'll be, now I'm days from finally knowing!

Whenever i do get these little panics there's always two things i want to do, the first, is to go back and read my very first blog post, or even a previous blog i used to write. It reminds me that i have spent my whole life waiting to be a mummy, and it just fills me with excitement again. The second thing is to visit my new niece. Looking at that little face just shows me exactly why i am doing this. When i had the contractions last week, i went round for a snuggle with her, and while ever i was holding her, i just concentrated on her tiny little frame and it made them seem so much less painful.

All the way through my pregnancy, Adam has been hoping that the baby will be at least a day late, so that its born in September and will therefore be the oldest in the year at school instead of the youngest. He was one of the youngest and he hated it, so its something he feels really strongly about. It is beginning to appear that he may get his wish after all! There is exactly 21.5 hours to go until September, and it doesn't feel like anythings going to be happening any time soon!

I'm booked in at the hospital tomorrow, which is something I'm a little nervous about. I have got a scan at 10:30, so they can have a look and get a rough idea of Buttons size and weight, then a consultation at 11:30 to discuss the results. This is where it will be decided whether i am going to have a Section, be induced, or just have a sweep. One of those things will definitely be happening tomorrow!

Adams coming with me, but I've asked my mum to come along to the consultation too, as an extra pair of ears and extra support. She has had medical training so will probably understand everything they tell me a lot better than i do.

I think its going to feel strange tonight, getting the car seat strapped in, and putting my hospital bag in the boot. Tomorrow morning might be the last time i leave this house before returning with my little pudding :)

I'm really quite nervous about the scan part of tomorrow. It almost feels like waiting to be hung, the fact that i am going to be told in lb and oz what size person i have got to attempt to bring into the world. I'm worried that if they tell me the baby is really big, I'll go back to feeling panicked, and lose my cool.

We nipped to Tesco's tonight, to get a few bits of food in that will last for when i get back from hospital. I saw the most gorgeous baby girl dress! Adam is under strict instructions to go straight out and buy it, ready to bring to the hospital for visiting time if Button is a girl!

So, this probably really will be the last blog post before our baby is finally here, or at least until I'm in labour (I'd like to try and do a short post during the first stage of labour if possible).

I would just like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have followed me through this journey. I've had amazing support from so many of you. Friends, family and even total strangers sending me messages of support and advice!

I started this blog mainly just as a kind of Diary, so that Adam and I can look back over the experience, and eventually one day, share it with Button too. I never imagined that it would end up being read (and enjoyed) by so many people! I've received over 50 messages from people i don't even know, saying how they are enjoying reading it. I now have readers in over 17 different countries, which seems unreal to me!

I have to say though, if it wasn't for my friend Lizz, these memories would probably have been nothing but a few scribbled notes in a pregnancy and baby book. She's the one who inspired me to do it, as i enjoyed (and still do) reading hers so much!

So, i send my love to all of you! I know this sounds weird but i feel in a way like you've all watched me grow up! Followed me, while i start my journey into motherhood. Well, this is it! I'll see you on the other side!!

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Bad day :(

Today has been a bad day, literally from setting off this morning its been no fun. I started the day feeling pretty chuffed with myself, as i got up in plenty of time to wash and dry my hair, iron my uniform and pack myself a lunch. I had a stroll to the bus stop with plenty of time to spare. Looking back, i don't know how i managed to get through the journey, the sickness was almost unbarable. As i was about to step off the bus, it jolted down (as if to let a pushchair on), this is normally done as a gentle release, but it was one sudden jerking movement which sent me flying. My bags went flying and i hit the concrete flat on. I lay there for a second, confused, blood was dripping out of my mouth and i could feel the scuffs on my knees and chin, the only thing i could think was 'have i hurt my baby'. Nobody even offered me a hand, or picked my bags up, people just walked straight by. I got up, shaking, and didn't even acknowledge the blood, i walked in a daze clutching onto my tummy praying i hadn't done any important damage. After a few minutes i had a quick drink of water to rinse away the blood in my mouth, and went into Subway. There i went into the toilet to check i had all of my teeth, and gave my chin and my knees a little wipe. I wanted to cry, i felt like a child. It wasn't the pain of the grazes, it was the fear of what i could have done, and the shock that nobody was willing to help me. I trembled into work and stumbled over words trying to ask Shawna for an antiseptic wipe. She looked puzzled at me and asked me what id done to my chin. I just burst into tears. She took me round the back and sat me down, cleaned me up and got me a drink of water. What a lovely start to the day.
Work was manic today, every time i turned round we had a new que of patients at the front desk. It was a pretty stressful day, and i found myself counting down the hours until i could go home. We were 30 minutes late leaving due to a late dispense, which convinced me i had missed my lift home with Amber. When we finally got out, i rushed round to D&A and luckily for me everyone had been held behind there too. I nipped into MacDonald's while i waited and got a drink and some chips for us both, as i felt weak with hunger. Amber soon came out and we set off for the car. As we got outside the Swan pub in the town centre, we saw a man on the floor and a girl screaming for help knelt beside him, the man was bleeding quite badly, had had a fit and was foaming at the mouth. There was a girl in a nearby telephone box already on the phone to the ambulance service. We rushed over, both of us froze for a moment as we panicked and went blank. We got the man into the recovery position and i checked his airways. We cushioned his head and i began to talk loudly to him. The girl in the phone box was getting upset and struggling to talk to the operator, as she knew the man, so i ran over to take over for her. Amber stood at the entrance to the phone box and shouted questions and instructions at the girls as the woman talked me through everything. We stayed on the phone until we saw the blue flashing light Amber went out and waved the ambulance over, and they started seeing to the man. We hung around for a few seconds and then made our way back to the car. Adrenaline pumping through both of us. Since getting home, all i can bare to do is sleep. Its pretty frustrating for me as there's so much i want to do, but i can barely keep my eyes open. Adams been fantastic. I told him to let me sleep for 20 minutes before waking me up to start dinner. I woke up over an hour later to find that he has cleaned the whole kitchen and is doing dinner himself (home made shepherds pie ) :)
I feel really bad for him though, he is ending up doing all the work because I'm almost to exhausted to hold my own head up. I have felt really rough since waking up. Been violently sick upstairs and I'm aching everywhere. I actually feel ill rather than pregnant tonight. But i have got my appetite back a little bit after smelling the yummy dinner that's being cooked for me as i type :)
I love my Adam, he's a fantastic husband and has been such great help to me throughout this pregnancy. I just hope he isn't getting fed up with all the work he's been doing, I'm hoping the exhaustion wont last to much longer, and I'll be back to my energetic self, able to really start working hard around our beautiful house.

Lets hope tomorrow is a better day!

Love always xxxx