Decisions Decisions

After last weeks disaster i found myself facing a very difficult decision.. to feed or not to feed. Isabelle took to breastfeeding really well, and it was such a special bond that we shared. I loved feeding her, and was proud that I'd managed to stick with it, even though i spent the first week of her life paralysed.

Since finding out about Izzy's feeding problems, i cut all dairy out of my diet. Which was a lot harder than i expected. It was in things i would have never even thought to check. So i literally checked everything. The doctors at the hospital had told me to feed her on the prescribed formula for about 3 days, until the dairy was completely out of my system.

On Tuesday afternoon, i nervously tried her with her first breastfeed. She still screamed in pain afterwards and continued to be violently sick. I now don't think that dairy protein is the only thing she was reacting to.

I gave her one breastfeed a day, for a couple of days, and got the same reaction each time. It was still two weeks until we were being seen at the hospital again, and i couldn't bare the thought that i was still making her ill. So i made the heartbreaking decision to stop breastfeeding :( I cant actually believe how gutted i am about it. I'm just trying to concentrate on the fact that I'm doing whats best for Izzy. I'd always planned to feed her for at least the first nine months.

I was even more desperate not to give up when we were told that if i could do it for the first 4 months, it might help to stop her getting other allergies in the future. I just couldn't bare to see her reaction after each feed, she was so poorly. Especially seeing as she was so happy, and settled after a bottle feed. I really am devastated though, i could literally cry every time i think about it.

Also, it's been a bit tough this past week, usually when you stop breastfeeding you just decrease the number of feeds gradually, to allow your body to slow down the milk production. I have had to just stop altogether, straight away. So my boobs have been absolute agony. They just kept filling up and up, to the point where i could hardly fit in any of my clothes, and even Katie Price would have been a little jealous! They were just never being emptied anymore, they felt like they were going to explode, and there was no way i could be comfy in bed, so lost out on a lot of sleep again, total nightmare. It seems to be easing off a little now though.

Isabelle is like a completely different child since she's been on formula. She sleeps at night and is so much more settled during the day! We don't have to worry about taking her out places anymore. She used to just scream constantly (she was in so much pain ) but now she's an absolute delight. She went to her first party last Saturday and was as good as gold, she really seemed to love it. She lay there wide awake for several hours, watching the disco lights. She was held by many different people and she barely even squirmed all night!

I've decided i really want to start filming her more. She has so many funny little mannerisms that we adore, and will miss when she's older, like they way she tips her head back and shakes it from side to side when she's waking up, how she never quite manages to get her second sneeze out properly, and how grumpy she gets when her hiccups go on for too long. She's so funny. I really feel like i know her inside out now. There are certain songs that i can sing to her when she's absolutely screaming and they completely calm her down.

I love her more and more every single day, she still has big dark blue eyes and i just melt whenever she looks at me. She's started to really smile now too. I cant believe how fast she's growing up! I want her to stay my baby forever!

I'm possibly having my first night away from her this weekend, as its my sisters hen night, and it would be much easier for me to stay over at my mums after.Adams taking Izzy to his friends Halloween party, then looking after her himself for the night! I'm really nervous! I just know I'll be ringing and texting him constantly to check she's OK!

I'm going to put some more photo's on later so you can all see how much she's changing :)

Love love love xxx

20 days

Our beautiful little girl is 20 days old already! Its scary how fast its going and how much she's changing already! She looks completely different to how she did when she was born. She's really starting to focus on faces now, and she has some amazing expressions! I literally cant take my eyes off of her, she makes me so proud every single day.

I have to hold my hands up and say parenthood is a lot harder than i was expecting. Everyone always tells you how hard it is etc, and there's no way i was expecting it to be easy but i have certainly been surprised. It hasn't been helped by the fact i was pretty useless for the first week, i almost feel like I'm a week behind with learning everything. I'd always imagined that it would be me teaching Adam a lot of things, but its ended up with him being a lot more confident than me, as he did everything for the first week!

Before Isabelle was born, i was fully aware that i would have to get used to the sound of a baby crying, I'm usually quite laid back so didn't think i would get stressed by it at all. One thing i didn't prepare for was how hearing her cry would make me feel. It actually breaks my heart. She's not a baby who cries constantly at all, but when she does it really gets to me. She seems to go through a phase every evening between 7pm and 3am where she constantly needs to be held. At first, she seemed to want to be feeding constantly, which was very tiring and was making me very sore, but now i think she gets tummy ache, and just generally wants comforting. When she gets really upset, she turns purple and stops breathing for several seconds! I find this so distressing and have ended up in tears myself on many occasions now.

Adam manages to stay quite chilled out though and helps to reassure me that she isnt as distressed as she looks.

The nights have been tricky, we've had a lot of visitors, and quite a busy schedule so far, so i haven't been managing to get much sleep through the day, so I've been pretty exhausted. Isabelle and I have both been a little poorly too, which hasn't helped, as even when she's sleeping I've struggled to get any rest.

The past two nights seem to have settled down though, she's going a lot longer between feeds now and is awake a lot more throughout the day which means she's more tired by the evenings, so hopefully we'll start to settle into a bit of a routine now!

I'm really happy with my decision to breastfeed. Its the most amazing thing in the world, i love how she looks up at me when she's feeding, she's perfect. Its been tough to begin with but I'm glad I've stuck it out, especially through the stage where i couldn't move and people had to latch her on for me. We both seem to have got the hang of it now though and its going well. I've even done my first couple of feeds in public (with help from my mum).

She's definitely feeding well as she's putting weight on fast! When she was born she was 8lb 6oz, three days later she was 7lb 12oz, and 8 days later she was 8lb 13oz! So she's probably well over 9lb by now!

She is all official now too, and has been registered and has a birth certificate!

So i am pretty much fully recovered after the birth, and all the paperwork etc has been done, so now its time to really be able to enjoy our lovely little lady :)