Squishy.. The Birth Story. Part One.

Its taking me so long to write this birth story, i have decided to do it in two parts. So here is your first instalment....

In the couple of weeks leading up to my due date, i had several episodes of Braxton hicks, which was really frustrating as there were several occasions where i convinced myself it may be show time.  Sleep, once again became a thing of the past and i was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I spent most nights in the bath, as i did when pregnant with Izzy, as i was in so much pain with my legs and back. I began to get pretty fed up, praying i wasn’t in for another 13-day-late-induction sort of birth.

These photos were taken in July 2011 (right hand side)

 at 31+4, with Izzy. July 2013 on the left at 38+3 with Squishy.

Exactly a week before Squishys due date, i had a funny turn, which was pretty frightening. I was sitting on my birthing ball,watching telly with a little table with the laptop in front of me.  I was just chatting to a couple of friends on facebook, feeling absolutely fine one minute. All of a sudden i just went incredibly confused, normally i can type really quickly without even looking. Suddenly i was spelling everything wrong, unable to type properly and just generally writing a load of rubbish. I posted about 4 things on facebook which made absolutely no sense, but i couldn’t even figure out how to delete them. I wrote a quick message blaming the computer, then shut the lid of the laptop down and tried to snap out of it. Minutes later i lost my vision, i could just see colours, completely fuzzy and blurred, i then began to panic. Izzy was having a particularly unsettled night, and Adam had been in her room trying to get her to sleep for about an hour. It had only just seemed to go quiet so i really didn’t want to burst in and set her off again. Within minutes i lost the feeling in my arms and legs and so was completely petrified by this point. I staggered round the house, confused and in a mad panic, searching for my phone.

Unable to find it, i decided my only option was to go in to Adam. I opened the door to Izzys room and mumbled at Adam through the tears. He passed me his phone and asked what was wrong. I told him i just felt really ill but that i was going to ring my mum, so he should continue to concentrate on Izzy. I wobbled my way back down the stairs, and was now so confused i couldn’t even figure out how to dial my mums number. Eventually i managed to get hold of her. She immediately told me to call the emergency doctor, which i did. By now i was crying almost hysterically.

Adam came back downstairs with Izzy, worried and trying to figure out what on earth was going on, as i’d been absolutely fine the last time he saw me.

The people at the emergency centre said they needed to get help to me asap and that i needed to keep talking to them. They said that an ambulance and paramedics were on their way and that i would more than likely end up in hospital. I was still far from organised with my hospital bag, so attempted to rush round and grab a few bits.

Minutes later, my Sister Abi, and brother in law, Paul turned up. My mum had rung them and said i needed help, knowing that as they only live around the corner, they could be here within minutes.

The paramedic turned up first, he was doing a few basic health checks when we saw the blue flashing lights coming down the street. The ambulance arrived with two further paramedics. Abi and Paul gathered a few bits together for Izzy, and took her back to their house, as it was clear by now that we were going to be heading for hospital.

Once we got to the hospital, they attached me to all the monitors, and came and took more blood. I was having really strong Braxton hicks by this point, which the doctors were picking up on the monitors. They decided to examine me, and i was 1cm dilated. The midwife gave me a sweep and they decided  to keep me in, because of the contractions and because a lot of my symptoms were signs of preeclampsia. It was an awful night in hospital, i was contracting all night until 6am, and then it all just stopped. They let me go home at around 11am, when my mum came to fetch me.

I had some incredibly sad news a couple of weeks before Squishy was due. One of my old singing teachers, Miss Cook, had passed away. She was a huge part of my life for many years and a massive inspiration to me. She taught me so much and will always have a special place in my heart. There was an afternoon of dedications to her on the radio, and tributes were made in the local newspapers etc. She changed the lives of so many girls and my heart aches whenever i think about her passing.

Miss Cooks funeral was going to be on Monday 22^nd July (two days after my due date) so i knew i wasn’t going to make it, as i didn’t want to risk causing drama by my waters breaking while i was there or something, plus i didn’t have childcare for Izzy. I was absolutely gutted to be missing my chance to say goodbye to the lady who had such an impact on my life. This photo was taken in China, just after we had won two gold medals in the world Choral Olympics.

My due date came and went, and i started to prepare myself for it ending as an induction again. We had a lovely day out at a charity fayre on the Sunday (day after due date). Adam, Izzy and I, with my mum and step dad joining us for a while too. We did loads of walking, which i knew would help to get the little lady moving.

That night, like so many before it, became a pretty restless one. I laid in bed chatting to my sister in law, Kelly, on facebook.  We started saying how we would just love my waters to break, so we would know for a fact that it’s the real deal. No uncertainty. That conversation ended at 23:48 and i attempted to get some sleep. I think i finally nodded off at about 12:30.

At 1:15 i was woken up by a little ‘trickle’. I jumped out of bed, wondering if this could be it. It was such a tiny amount, i was really unsure. My waters had gone ‘Hollywood style’ with Izzy, so this didn’t seem to be anything in comparison, but my heart was pounding, and i so so hoped it was the start.

I woke Adam up and told him i thought my waters had broken, his reply was ‘They wont have’, and he rolled over to go back to sleep! Charming! I gave him a little shake, and stood there trembling for about ten minutes trying to decide what to do. When i’d been in hospital the week before, they told me to ring as soon as my waters broke. I was so unsure, i didn’t want to look silly, ringing if id actually just slightly wet the bed or something, but i decided to ring anyway, just to be sure. I walked down the two flights of stairs to get to my hospital bag which was waiting by the front door. (This was Squishys bag, mine was still incomplete). I got my pregnancy notes out and dialled for the midwife. I explained i was really unsure whether it was anything or not, and that i felt really silly. The midwife was lovely and told me not to feel daft. She said for me to keep really active, get on my ball and walk about lots to see if i lost any more water. She also told me to put a pad on, so that i could check the colour of the water (as it had been mainly blood with Izzy). She instructed me to ringer her back in an hours time and tell her how i was.

By the time i got back up to the top floor of the house, i had more water steadily trickling down my legs. I knew at this point that it was the real thing. I felt a sudden rush of panic for what i knew i was about to go through. I had a few tears, and a little shakey moment in the bathroom, then managed to quickly pull myself together. I rang the midwife back and told her that i was now sure it was my waters, and she told me to leave it around 45 minutes, (as she already had three ladies to look after) and then set off for the hospital so that they could check me over. I rang my mum at around 1:55am and told her that things were starting, but that she probably wouldn’t be needed for quite a while, as i wasn’t having any pains yet. I then rang Abi to tell her that we’d be dropping Isabelle of in about half an hours time.

Then the mad panic began, i was rushing round the house, still trickling water everywhere, desperately trying to get the last few bits together for my hospital bag. Adam went into the kitchen to get me a couple of pairs of clean leggings, as it was clear i was going to need them. As he got into the kitchen, a moth which was literally the size of my hand span came in, so he spent a good ten minutes dashing around the kitchen in his pants, chasing a moth with a spatula! That was certainly a moment i wont ever forget.

Finally, we were ready to leave for the hospital...

Both of these photos were taken one day after my due date. Izzy on the left, Squishy on the right. What a difference in bump size! It's hard to believe i carried Izzy for a further 12 days after this photo was taken!

A very tough week!

This post is probably going to be completely opposite to the last. I had been feeling soo positive, and things we're going so well. How fast things can change...

In my last post i mention my battle with trying to get Isabelle's new medication down her. We managed it eventually. She was on it Friday, Saturday and Sunday, by Monday i stopped giving it to her. It was supposed to stop her being sick, and she was being more sick, she was screaming in pain, waking through the nights and she had terrible diarrhea. I hated seeing her so poorly, so as we were at the hospital on Wednesday anyway, i decided to stop it until i had spoken to them.

Monday was probably one of the worst days so far, in fact, i honestly struggled to get through the day. She was screaming in pain constantly and i couldn't do anything for her. I tried rocking her, singing to her (which normally always calms her down) pacing the house with her, letting her lay down, sit up, everything. It was awful, in the end i just sat and cried with her.
She's been taking less than half her recommended amount in feeds and she's so sick I'm sure most of what she does take comes back up. Her weight really is becoming a worry now, which is another reason why i stopped that medication. If her weights already dipping dramatically, the last thing we want is for her to have diarrhea as well as her sickness.

Tuesday was a much better day, but we were out and about a fair amount which probably helped. We got the bus into town in the morning, as i had arranged a meeting about my return to work. This had been a hot topic for us throughout the week, as we did many sums and tried to work out what would work out for the best. It was a depressing discovery. I worked out that for the number of hours per week i wanted to work, i would earn around £141.17 a week. I then looked into childcare, and to cover those hours with a childminder would cost us around £100 a week! Which would mean id be leaving my baby girl with a stranger, for 22 hours a week (3 hours included for the traveling to take her and fetch her) for £41.17! Another way i saw this, is its like me working my 19 hours for £2.16 an hour, It seems crazy. We then had a couple of offers from family for looking after her.
The hours we arranged for me to work are: All day Tuesday, All day Wednesday, and 12:30-5:30 on a Friday. My mums day off is Tuesday, so she's going to have her then. My sisters day off is Wednesday, she's volunteered to do that, so its only Fridays we need to sort. So 6 hours of childcare to find, which will make life much easier for us. I also have to work the occasional Saturday. When i work a Saturday i wont be working one of either the Tuesday or the Wednesday, which means my mum and Abi will at least get a break every now and then. I feel much better about going back to work since i had this meeting. I know there will be a lot of support there for me and i think I'll actually enjoy it!
I also feel 100% better knowing that for the majority of the time, Isabelle will be being looked after by family, who know all of her special little requirements and will look after her with the same love that we do.
I'm beginning to think a nursery for 6 hours on a Friday might be quite good for Isabelle too. As long as we find a very good one who we can trust do get all her medications right and know all of her allergies i think it'll do her good. She'll be around other children, and when she comes to the age where she has to go to nursery, she'll be more used to it. I have just rung a nursery and Adam and i are going to view it this afternoon :)
So my first day back at work is officially Friday 20th April!

On Wednesday we had Isabelle's hospital appointment. They had a good look at her and checked her weight charts and i explained all of my concerns. To cut a long story short, it turns out she was still reacting to even the prescribed milk that she was on, so they have changed that as well as putting her on another new medication, which (touch wood) we are managing OK with so far. I was very brave and gathered the courage to ask for a second opinion this time, as i really have had enough of seeing her so poorly and its dragged on for so long now. In the end i saw three doctors, who all said the same thing.. so I'm feeling quite confident this time. Isabelle has now had one full day on the new milk, which was yesterday and during the whole day she had 19oz! Which makes a nice change to the usual 12-13 she was having before.. so things are looking up. She is, however, still being incredibly sick, but i guess the medication can take time to get working.

I am still bleeding, its been over two weeks now! I spoke to the hospital this morning and my operation is now on the 8th March! Which is 7 whole weeks away! So it will be the 19th April (ish) before I'm back to my normal self :( I cant believe they are leaving me that long. The thought of being in pain for all those weeks makes me feel so down :(



Love love love xx

Just a short update!

There isn't a great deal of news at the moment really, i just wanted to do a short post to keep things going. Isabelle's still doing really well with her routine, sleeping beautifully through the night and having lots of fun at playtime! We've started a mother and baby swimming session on a Thursday too, which we love! I also started my little club last Wednesday, and it was a great success!

We had Isabelle weighed on Thursday.. 5 weeks ago she weighed 12lb 8oz.. and now she weighs 12lb 12.5oz which really isn't a good weight gain, and the health visitors are becoming pretty concerned now. She's still being incredibly sick and not eating much at all. According to the information on her tin of formula she should be having approximately 35oz a day now, and she's having about 15! :(

I attempted to start her new medication yesterday, which is supposed to stop her sickness. Its a liquid medication which i have to give her in a syringe (2ml). The trouble is, it tastes disgusting (I've tried it because of her reaction). I have tried three different ways of getting her to take it and at the moment it seems impossible. We are back at the Hospital on Wednesday though, so i will see what they say there.

In other news, i have now been bleeding for ten days, which I'm sure isn't normal, but i cant seem to get through to them at the hospital. I still don't have a new date for my operation so i need to contact them as soon as possible. The pain is really bad now so i just want it over and done with.

I already cant believe how fast this year is going. We are mid way through January already. I only have about six weeks left until i need to give notice of my return to work, ( We cant afford for me to not go back). Adam and i have decided to spend some time tomorrow looking into childminders in the Worksop area, although we wont be able to sort anything out fully until i know what days i will be working etc. The thought of it all makes me feel sick at the moment to be honest. I cant bare the thought of leaving my little girl. I love the time we spend together so much!

I hope you are all enjoying your January! Please feel free to leave comments, so i don't feel like I'm rambling on to myself!

Love love love! Milly and little Moomin xx

Bad news in time for Christmas..

WARNING: If you don't want to know all of my gory details, you probably didn't ought to read this post. You have been warned..

I went to the hospital yesterday expecting to have my Physiotherapy that I'd been referred for. I had to go to the Gynae department, and i sat in the waiting area for about an hour!

I was a bit on edge to begin with, as I'd left Isabelle at work with Adam, in the hope i would only be about an hour, she was asleep when i left so i thought it would be fine as long as i wasn't too long.

A nurse came out first and called me through, she did me height, weight (unfortunately) and blood pressure and then sent me back out into the waiting area. I waited for about another 15 minutes, before being called in to see the doctor.

I sat down and he (yes, unfortunately it was a man) took some details from me, and i explained the problems I'd been having. He said he wanted to examine me, which made me really nervous, as the GP had done this a couple of times and it had been incredibly painful for several days.

I got ready on the bed and he came in, literally the minute he looked at me he could see there was a problem. He knew what it was straight away. He touched me slightly and i winced in pain so he told me to get dressed and take a seat.

Apparently i have been stitched up the wrong way (across instead of down). And it has healed like that. So i have got to go in and have an operation. They'll put me to sleep, cut me again and restitch me.

The doctors actually said they don't know how I've managed for 14 weeks with the pain i must have been in. (It has been horrendous).

Sometimes in similar but less severe cases they would wait until i was giving birth for the second time to do the operation. My case is so severe i wouldn't even be able to make another baby (as the act that is necessary to do so is impossible for me like this).

They told me i would have the operation the following day (today) and that i would be having my pre-op straight away.

I got a bit upset and had a little panic, it was all so quick, i barely had time to take it all in. I asked if i could go and fetch Isabelle and come back for the pre-op, as i was worried about Adam managing her at work. I left the hospital at about 11:35, they told me to come back at 2:15 for the pre op.

When i got back to Adam, i shed a few nervous tears while he, and a couple of his colleagues tried to reassure me.

Adam and i went for lunch together and i rang my mum. Adams boss kindly said he could have today off to look after Isabelle while I'm in hospital.

I headed back the hospital with Isabelle, ready for my pre-op. There was a lot of waiting around again. I had to have swabs for MRSA, do a peak flow test, have blood tests, have my tummy pressed, have my heart and chest listened to etc, all the usual tests. I then had to sit and answer a thousand questions about my health and family history. She asked if I'd had any flu-type symptoms during the past two weeks.

I was really poorly last week with a terrible cold, it hasn't completely gone yet and Adams still suffering really badly with it.

When i told her this, she said i wouldn't be able to have the op for another two weeks! So now, instead of getting it over and done with, i have all over Christmas to worry about it, before actually going in on 3/1/12 :(

My big girl!

Well, Isabelle is now 13 weeks and 6 days old, 3 months exactly last Tuesday! I really don't know where the time goes. I know everyone always says 'they aren't babies for two minutes' but i seriously wasn't expecting it to go this fast. Where has my tiny baby gone?

She may not be tiny anymore, but she gets more and more beautiful everyday! We don't just have smiles now, we have full on giggles which is amazing. This usually happens when I'm doing something daft, and once she's giggled, i naturally have to do it again and again just to see that happy little face!

We do a lot of singing throughout the day, and i tap out rhythms on her back when she's unsettled which really seems to soothe her. She's an incredibly vocal baby, and has been from very early on, so i think she'll be a little chatterbox and/or a lovely singer :) She sits and listens completely whenever i sing which is lovely.

Yesterday, we went for a rehearsal for the Nativity play we are in on Christmas Eve. Isabelle is Jesus and I'm an angel (singing Silent night). My little cousin is playing Mary, so she gets to hold Isabelle for quite some time. Luckily she's sitting cross legged on the floor as little monkey is rather heavy now! (12lb 8oz last Wednesday).

Isabelle was as good as gold throughout the rehearsal really, but got a little grizzly just before i did my song. Literally as soon as i started singing she fell silent and just lay there listening, which brought tears to a few eyes!

The changes we have seen in her development over the past few days has been phenomenal! She's becoming so independent (although she does still like to be close to mummy) and sooo interested in the world! She tries to sit up now whenever we lay her down! And she's been supporting her head beautifully over the past few days! She also like to stand up with support, her legs are so strong! Sometimes we struggle to sit her in our lap now, as she refuses to bend her legs, and wants to be standing!

One of her favourite things to do is admire herself in the mirror. Every morning, after getting up and dressed, i take her into the bathroom before we head downstairs. I tell her that we are going to see the 'pretty little girl in the bathroom' literally as soon as she see's herself she's giggling and giving shy little smiles.. its adorable. She would stay there for hours admiring herself I'm sure! Just watching her is fascinating though, shes even started wriggling her fingers and watching in the mirror, then looking at her fingers, and back to the mirror. You can completely tell that she's learning every second of the day!

I've just realised i haven't really spoken about myself for a while, how I've been since birth etc. The first few weeks of Isabelle's life we're incredibly tough, she was so ill and we didn't even know, so there's no wonder things were like they were. Since discovering her problems (well, most of them, some things are still being looked at) she has been an absolute delight and I've really enjoyed motherhood.

Obviously when you go for your review with the doctor they speak to you about contraception. I thought about this no end and finally came to the decision to try the injection. I used to be on the pill, but never got on with it particularly well, and I'm worried that now my lifestyle is so busy (i barely have time to wash my hair) i would forget to take it. Whereas the injection is just a quick trip to the surgery every 12 weeks, job done!

A went for my first one a few weeks ago, and thought this would definitely be the method i would stick with, as i was in and out even before my appointment time (which is very unusual for our surgery!) and there really was nothing to it!

However, over the past few weeks i have decided i most certainly will not be going back for another one in February. I've felt awful. I feel sick all the time, I'm constantly exhausted, yet cant sleep (started writing this at 4:20am) my hair is falling out at a stupid pace and I'm actually getting little bald patches, and I've been incredibly down and paranoid. I really have felt so alone over the past week, and began to doubt whether I'm doing a good job as a mum, constantly thinking something bad is going to happen to her. I've been checking her breathing double the amount i was before. It's driving me mad and i cant wait for the awful chemical to be out of my system so i can feel human again. So now i literally have no idea what contraception to look at next. The implant is apparently made of a similar thing (not that i fancy that anyway) and the word 'coil' makes me shudder, so I'm fast running out of options.

I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I've been having a few problems lately, where i don't appear to be healing properly. I've been to the doctors a couple of times and have been examined, I've been in complete agony, and when the doctor pressed inside my tummy, there was a certain area that she wasn't happy with, and it was the exact same area that made me screech in pain. So i have been referred to the hospital. Therefore contraception isn't something i need to be worrying about at the moment, but definitely need to be thinking about it a bit.

I have also been referred for my back. I'm beginning physio today, and they will be looking at the other issue too. I'm having terrible back problems since that Epidural went wrong. I struggle to bend for more than a couple of seconds, it hurts to sit down, or stand up, or even just walking for a certain amount of time. Which all makes things very difficult when you have a three month old.

I've been trying to keep busy a little more, so that I'm not just sat at home feeling down. It isn't easy when your skint and you don't drive though. There is a surestart centre just behind my house which is good, as they do 'stay and play' sessions on a Monday morning. It's literally behind my garden fence so really easy for me to get to. I have only been to one session so far but loved spending time with other mums and babies, and Isabelle seemed to love the change in scenery and the different toys to play with. There was a wooden stick with three bells on the end which she loved. She grabbed hold of it and was shaking it all over the place. Mummy may have to invest in one of those!

So it's now only 6 more sleeps until our first little family Christmas and i literally can't wait! I know she isn't old enough to understand, but we have so many family events happening over the next couple of weeks, its going to be perfect! And i intend on filming every second of it!

Love love love xxx

9 weeks old!

I can't believe how long it's been since i last posted! To be honest though there isn't a lot to say at the moment. I imagine this will be the point where i sadly lose many of my readers, as this blog will pretty much have just turned into a mum going on and on about how much she loves her baby. I have enjoyed every second of writing this blog. I never in a million years would have imagined how popular it would become!

Isabelle is now bottle fed all the time. The change in her has been amazing. She's been so much more settled, and even slept for several hours through the night! She now has medications 10 times a day and is generally a lot happier! Over the past few days she has taken a slight step backwards though, she seems to be in a bit of pain again after feeds, and isn't quite as settled as she has been! We're back at the hospital in a couple of weeks so I'm going to mention everything. They have said she may need to go on slightly stronger medication if she's still suffering.

She really is growing up so much! She tries to hold on to things now, and has a favourite bunny :) She smiles and giggles all the time, but especially when you tell her how pretty she is! She makes little noises all the time and sometimes sounds like she's singing. She's getting lots stronger too, and hardly stays still! She's definitely trying to hold her head up! She's at the age where we can really play with her now. We sing songs with her and read books, she loves to look at the pictures.

I'm trying to speak to her in french, as well as English as much as possible, and i also sign to her a lot too. Some of my family are french, and my cousins we're brought up with their mum speaking French, and their dad speaking English. The oldest of these cousins has just gone to University, and is fluent in French, English, Spanish and Japanese!

Its my sisters wedding this weekend and i couldn't be more excited. Abi and Paul are so good together and it'll be really emotional to finally see them say their vows after two years of intense wedding plans :) I hope their day is perfect and i cant wait to be a bridesmaid, and see Isabelle in her special little dress!

Adam and I have now opened a savings account in Isabelles name. We each put £20 a month into her account, which will earn interest and hopefully have over £10,000 ready for her when she's older :)

I've also set up an email account for her, inspired by the 'Dear Hollie, Google Chrome advert. We are going to email her all her life, with updates, photo's and videos :)

She is honestly the most beautiful little girl in the world. I only met her 9 weeks ago, but my life would never be the same without her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Isabelle Verona Elce xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The scariest night of our lives.

WARNING: This blog post is far from cheery, and may upset some readers.

I have now sat down to write what is going to be by far the most difficult blog post yet. I think I'm actually going to find it pretty hard to relive it and put it down in words, but its a huge part of this story.. something which could have brought a very abrupt end to it. So here we go...

I have really found these past few weeks of motherhood difficult. I haven't felt like there has been anything i could do to make Isabelle better when she was crying. She has hardly slept at all, apart from if she's out in her pram. Whenever we're at home she just cries constantly, i don't get any sleep and i don't get anything done - its been exhausting! She'd cry, so I'd feed her, then a matter of minutes later she'd be absolutely screaming! She'd turn purple and hold her breath and getting really distressed! Within half an hour she'd be rooting again as if she was hungry. I was getting really confused, i couldn't understand how she could possibly be as hungry as she appeared to be. I was getting really sore from the constant feeding. She was pretty inconsolable most of the time!

Also, to add to my concern, she hadn't poohed for several days, which i asked my midwife about and she said not to worry until she hadn't been for two weeks (If she still hadn't by Monday i needed to ring the doctor). I explained that she seemed to really be in pain, and that she was very unsettled but she didn't seem concerned.

Over the next few days a couple of other things begin to concern me.. Usually when she starts to cry, she whimpers a little first before it turns into a proper cry. By this point she would be laying still and then just suddenly start screaming, and there would be nothing i could do to calm her down. Literally all of the hair fell out on the top of her head within a day (I know it can be normal for hair to begin falling out, but its usually at the back and isn't so sudden). She also started vomiting full feeds back as soon as she's had them (She'd never really been sick at all before) .. By Wednesday, she was being so sick it was coming out of her nose as well and almost choking her.

I've been spending most nights sleeping on the sofa, with Izzy in a moses basket at the side of me. Adam has to get up for work and so i figured it wasn't fair for him to be kept awake all night every night with her screaming. Also, being in the lounge meant i could have the TV on very quietly, to give me something to focus on and help to keep me awake.

On this particular night, she seemed particularly distressed so i sat and cuddled her after her feeds in attempt to calm her down. She finally settled down at approximately 3am, so i put her down ready to get some rest myself. Usually, if she is asleep during the night, i am fast asleep myself, as i get so little chance to get any sleep. For some unknown reason i just randomly went to check her at about 3:45am, possibly because it was so unusual for her to seem so settled.

When i first looked at her i realised she looked a lot paler than usual. She is usually a very light sleeper, the slightest touch would make her wriggle and squirm, and she jumps very easily with loud noises.

I touched her arm first, and she didn't move, i stroked her face and she still didn't move. She felt really cool to touch. I then rested my hand on her chest and listened for her breathing. It didn't take long for me to realise she wasn't breathing at all. I scooped her up as fast as i could, and she just flopped completely in my arms. My heart was pounding like it never has before. I started swinging her fast in my arms and shouting her name. I ran out into the landing where the light was on. I rocked her harder, blew in her face and tapped her cheeks, constantly screaming her name at her. I then started running up the stairs with her in my arms, shouting for Adam. He jumped out of bed and came straight to us. She was still pale and completely lifeless. I blew in her face again, really hard and she did one huge gasp. She then started to breathe faintly, but still just flopped with no response, and her eyes closed. Adam took her off me and rubbed her all over and after what felt like a life time her eyes began to flicker and then they opened. At this point i fell to my knees, hysterical and shaking uncontrollably. I hadn't cried at all until that point, i hadn't had time to.

After what seemed like forever i was finally sitting in front of a doctor, explaining everything that had happened, including my concerns from over the past few weeks. She asked me to undress Isabelle. I explained that she had now not poohed for ten days! She pressed hard on Izzys tummy, and my baby girl screamed with pain!

She then listened to her heart and lungs, and took her temperature. She told me to redress her, and she went straight over to the phone. She phoned the ward and told them she was admitting a 4 week old baby. My heart sunk. 

Izzy was screaming again by now and i just couldn't take my eyes off of her. When we got there we went straight to Ward 25 another Doctor came to speak to us. As soon as he started talking i suspected that Isabelle had done a poo. They found us a bed (With bars) and took us round. Before he examined her we checked her nappy. Thanks to the doctor pressing her stomach she had finally gone, and it was everywhere. She was still screaming, but Lynn and i got her bathed and wrapped up warm ready for her to be examined. The doctor was concerned by how swollen her tummy looked. We went over her symptoms and the events of the early hours again while he examined her. By this time, she had a rash which had appeared on her chest. They checked this and explained that it was just because she was so distressed.

She was really upset and screaming, so i fed her again while the doctor finished his questions. He then left us for a while and the nurse came in. She asked a load more questions, attached a little bag to Izzy to get a urine sample and weighed her. She was 9lb 14oz, so she had still been putting weight on.

Adam arrived and we had a tearful hug. The doctor came back a while later and told us that we were going to be kept in over night, he said that Isabelle needed a cannula putting into her tiny little hand so they could take blood tests, and in case she needed any medication. I was sobbing again by this point. He said she would then be wired to heart monitors and breathing monitors until they worked out what was causing it.

Luckily Lynn said she didn't mind going with Izzy while she had her cannula in, as neither me or Adam felt we could face seeing her go through that. I felt guilty for not going with her, but knew i wouldn't be much use if i did.

They left us for quite a while, Izzy had settled, so i went outside to ring my mum. She told me she was on her way and was bringing some extra clothes for Izzy and I. By the time i got back up to the ward Izzy and Lynn had gone. Adam and I spent the next 10-15 minutes pacing up and down. We could hear our beautiful little girl screaming from right down the corridor.

My mum arrived while before they'd come back and i just clung to her and cried. A few minutes later Lynn walked in carrying Izzy. We rushed over to them. Lynn looked really flushed and said it had been incredibly distressing. Izzy had her whole arm bandaged up with the tube coming out, and a bruise on her other hand, as they'd had to try both. She was really pale and didn't look well at all.

They then told us they had a room ready for us, so we went to get settled. They wired Izzy to the monitors, there was a clicking noise every time she breathed. Alarms sounded every time she stopped breathing, or if her oxygen levels went dangerously low (which happened approximately 17 times during the night). The nurses came in and said that the alarms would sound if she hadn't been breathing for 20 seconds! Which seems like such a long time for such a little person to not be breathing.

We were all on edge for the rest of the evening. Nurses were coming in and out constantly and i couldn't take my eyes off my little lady. They came to take the bag with her urine in, which made her scream again. Eventually they came back to tell us there had been a trace of infection in her urine. The nurse gave us a foil bowl and asked us to attempt to try and get another sample in it. Trying to hold a month old baby over a bowl like that until she did a wee was impossible!

The staff were fantastic, they showed us where we could make ourselves hot drinks, and answered any questions we had. My mum went home to get some things, and Adam and Lynn went home when she got back. Mum stayed with us all night, which i was so grateful for.

We had a few nurses and doctors coming in and out through the night, and the following morning they came to explain results to us. They found that Isabelle is Dairy Protein intolerant, therefore i have had to cut all dairy products out of my diet. Her stomach was really inflamed inside and she also has acid reflux. So she's been in agony, no wonder we couldn't settle her. Every single one of the feeds I've given her has made her more and more ill. I feel awful. I know i wasn't to know, but when she cried, i fed her, so she cried even more... i completely understand it now and its heartbreaking.

We now attach her to a monitor which clicks every time she breathes, the same as in the hospital, and an alarm sounds if she stops breathing. Its such a relief to have this as i would never have been able to sleep otherwise. She has medication 8 times a day and we have to keep her upright for 30 minutes after every feed. She's got 3 follow up appointments next week to check everything is still OK.

This has been the worst experience of my life. I was 100% sure she was dead when i found her that night. I never would have forgiven myself if my milk had killed her. I love her so much, that nights going to haunt me forever.

Almost full term! 36+5

It feels so good to finally be blogging again. We moved back to our own house a couple of Saturdays ago, and have been without the internet until now. It’s good to be back, albeit slightly strange spending so much time alone. We’ve done a lot of work on the house while we’ve been away, with huge thanks to my family. It really has felt like a fresh start coming back, so many things are different. Its almost like a new house. We’ve got a really big kitchen, and I guess we’ve never really made the most of it until now. We’ve moved a few things around and it is now a Kitchen/Diner. I’ve been desperate for a long time to have a proper dining room, especially now we’re going to have a family. Its not that we haven’t had the room to have one before, we’ve got a spare couple of rooms in the house to play with, but they layout of the place just makes it difficult. Throughout my childhood meal times were always very much a family event. A time where everyone gets together around the table and talks about their day, and that’s the way I like it. I’m not a fan of meals on a tray in front of the TV, at least, not all of the time.
So we now have a decent sized kitchen, and full dining table. I’m really excited about it as Adam and I have already shared some lovely meals (and chats) at the table together. It also means we can have people around for dinner, with somewhere to seat them!
There is still plenty to do here, which is good as I always have something I can be doing. My energy levels have taken a serious dip over the past week again though. There have been a couple of days where I literally haven’t done anything, which I hate. It feels wrong to have full days without getting anything done, when there is so much to do, but my body just hasn’t allowed it. For the first few weeks of my Holiday and Maternity leave, I was going out almost every day, walking round town, shopping etc. I don’t have the energy to do that at all now. In fact, there are things that we need for which I really should be taking a trip into town, and I just don’t feel like it at all. I’ve spent every weekday at home for the past week.
One very exciting thing that has happened lately is our nursery furniture arriving. It arrived last Monday which really was a highlight of the pregnancy. I asked Adam if he would mind using a days holiday, as we didn’t know what time it was being delivered, and I knew that if it came early in the morning I would struggle to wait until 5:30 to be able to do anything with it. It arrived at 2pm. Adam was incredible and managed to carry the whole lot single handed up two flights of stairs! I knew there probably wouldn’t be a great deal I could do, as I’m useless with instructions but I wanted to be a part of it. I grabbed a giant cushion and parked myself on the floor in the corner of the nursery. It became my job to open each little packet of screws, nuts and bolts etc and arrange them ready to pass to Adam when he needed them. I took several photos during the afternoon which I thought would be nice to look back on, and to show Button when he/she is older. At the end of last week I dropped my phone ( only about 2.5 feet onto soft carpet) and it has totally broken. It may just be the screen but I cant do anything with it. I’ve been given a temporary one to use incase I go into labour but all of my photos, videos, contacts etc were saved to the phone not the SIM. So I am praying that I’ll be able to recover them once I get a new IPhone.
Once all of the furniture was assembled, we had a break to cool down. It was a red hot day and Adam was feeling very achy. I cooked us a nice meal and then we decided to go for a swim to cool us down. We didn’t do a great deal of actual swimming in the pool, we just hovered about in a corner and talked for ages. It was really nice. We decided we both wanted to try the nursery layout a different way around, and had loads of discussions on parenting, family, plans for Christmas and finances. The swimming pool is at the leisure club where we had our wedding reception, so it’s always nice for us to have a drink in there after a swim, so we continued our chat at the bar.
We didn’t leave until about 10pm, but by this point we were buzzing about the nusery again and there is no way either of us could have waited until the following evening to play about with it. Adam moved the furniture into the new layout that we’d discussed and straight away we both loved it. There is only one down side to that room. We have chosen the smallest of the spare rooms as the nursery, as Adam said it would be nice for the oldest child to be allowed to move into the bigger bedroom once baby number two comes along. The little room is the perfect size for all of the nursery furniture, but unfortunately we aren’t going to be having my nursing chair in there. It would fit, at a push, but it makes the whole room really cramped and quite awkward to get around. We have decided that the bigger bedroom will be a playroom when the child is older. For the time being we’re going to have the nursery chair in there, along with a CD player with some nice lullabies or something. We’re going to use it mainly for night feeds and as a sort of ‘stock room’. We now have quite a collection of nappies, cotton wool, and bottles of baby bath/shampoo/powder etc so we are going to keep all spare supplies in there, and just stock up when necessary.
We were up until almost 1am sorting things and finding a place for everything which was incredible- something I have always looked forward to. All it needs now are the little finishing touches, such as little pictures putting on the wall etc which I’m going to see if we can do tonight. It really does feel perfect for Button. I cant help myself from wandering in there all the time and just looking around, I turn the cot mobile on and just stand looking at all the tiny little clothes that are neatly hanging in the wardrobe. Its so hard to imagine that our very own little person will be wearing them in no more than 5 weeks time!
I’m going to talk more about what pregnancy has been like over the past couple of weeks, as quite a lot has changed recently. I will be 37 weeks pregnant in two days time, therefore I will then be classed as ‘full term’. This means that if Button arrives any time after Wednesday, He/She will no longer be classed as premature! It’s scary to think how close that is and how quickly it has come around. After being referred back to the hospital by my midwife yet again for my growth, Adam and I attended the pregnancy Assesment Unit again a week ago last Friday. This appointment left me in tears of sheer panic. During the appointment I didn’t have any scans or anything. The midwife literally told me to get on the bed, and she pressed hard on my tummy, as all of the others have done so many times before. She then took my measurements again. Every midwife that has ever measured me has said that I’m really quite difficult to measure, as my tummy muscles are so tight. This makes me wonder how accurate their measurements actually are. She said she was measuring me too big, but not as big as the previous midwife. She said “It’s just because it’s a big baby” and then left to find a doctor. This had instantly got me worried, as nobody until then had ever said that the baby was big. At my scans it had measured almost the perfect size (apart from having a slightly round tummy!) Everyone else had told me it was down to me having a lot of fluid.
About ten minutes later the doctor came in for a chat with us. She said that because the baby was ‘big’ it was difficult for them to tell whether or not I would manage a natural delivery. She said they wouldn’t be able to tell at this stage whether or not the baby’s head would even be small enough to fit right down into my pelvis. She went on to say that they wont induce me early as ‘it might not work’, and so the plan for now was to allow me to go into natural labour. She then explained that I will be monitored during labour and if the baby is too big for me to deliver naturally, the labour would be long with no progress being made, at this point the may decide to whisk me off for a Section. Everything turned to a complete blurr while she was speaking, as I was trying to digest everything she was telling me but my brain just didn’t seem able to keep up. The then said that if by the 31st (my due date) nothing had happened, they would have me in that day for a sweep. She went away and left us for about 15 minutes. I sat shaking trying to understand why they were apparently going to just wait and see how much I struggle during labour before deciding whether or not to cut me open.
When she returned, she had got two appointments for me, both on the 1st September! The first was for a growth scan, and the second for a consultation to review the scan results. I assume that if the baby hasn’t arrived by this point, and is measuring big on the scan, they will book me for a section.
Adam and I went for lunch at the hospital and I text my mum to tell her I needed a chat (and a hug). Adam could obviously tell that I was fighting back the tears, when we got into the car he held my hand and said “You’re going to be fine, you know that don’t you?” With that, I burst into floods of tears. I just couldn’t believe what the doctor had said. Why just let me spend hours in pointless labour if it might not even do anything? I’ve been scared stiff about getting a ‘normal’ sized baby out, never mind one that may even be too big to fit! He sat and cuddled me for a few minutes before setting on our way again. I rang my mum during the journey home and she managed to calm me down quite a lot. I also received a lot of reassuring texts from my friend Rosie, who (as always) just sent me a message as I needed her. She went through a very similar situation when she was having her little boy, so it was good to talk to her.
I’m still feeling very worried about the whole thing, but I’ve decided I’m not going to let it upset me too much, as the only time it has ever been mentioned that Button is ‘big’ was on this one occasion, by one midwife, who had only done the same as all the others. I’d had no growth scan to indicate baby’s size, nor had the doctor felt to get her opinion. Not that I don’t trust the midwifes skills but I’m just not going to allow myself to spend the next three weeks being frightened over something which may not even be an issue.
Button seems to get hiccups a lot at the moment, which is rather cute! I always try rubbing his/her back and talking to help them to feel better. Adams felt it a couple of times too which is lovely. Some of the movements are incredible now. The way my whole stomach changes shape, and you can see parts move all the way across is fascinating! Even the midwives joke saying ‘That baby’s having another disco!’
I’ve just thought of something reassuring as I’m writing this. If the baby was really that big, surely there would be much room for movement at all? There certainly seems to be plenty at the moment!
Some of the movements are really quite uncomfortable now, I feel things getting caught under my ribs, which is far from pleasant. I am finding now that there are only a limited number of positions I can be comfortable in, and I have to change position really regularly. I am having baths incredibly regularly now, to take the weight off and soak my muscles a bit, as they ache like mad. Also, iv got terrible eczema at the top of my bump and on my legs which drives me mad, so a soak in the bath with some special cream works wonders. In an evening, if I’m not in the bath, I tend to be bouncing about in the living room on my birthing ball. If I watch TV sitting, or laying on the sofa, im constantly wriggling around, struggling to get comfortable, whereas on the ball I’m constantly moving, which helps with my restlessness, is really comfortable and can at least be a bit of exercise!
As the weeks go by I think I’m starting to get a little paranoid about labour now. Every little pain I get ( and there are a fair few) I’m wondering whether its something important. On Saturday night I had some really strange pains. They were like a really tight stitch-like feeling at the top of my bump and round into my back. They lasted about 30 seconds and were really uncomfortable. I managed to convince myself they were real contractions, so I started timing them. They were happening every 20-25 minutes, which convinced me even more. I did lots of bouncing on my ball, and had a nice warm bath but eventually they just stopped.
Another late pregnancy symptom which I am experiencing with a vengeance is high emotions. I’ve been like it for a while now. Iv always been quite an emotional person but its unbelievable at the moment. I end up getting tearful at things on the TV that I never normally would. Last night I decided to make Adam a slightly less healthy dinner as a treat. I was making Gammon, Egg and chips which I knew he would enjoy. I had a slight disaster with the first egg I tried to fry and ended up sobbing! I got myself into the stupid mindset of ‘what kind of wife and mother am I going to be if I cant even fry an egg??’ .. Silly I know! It seems really funny now. Even half an hour later I was laughing about it but at the time it felt like the end of the world!
Everythings so exciting yet scary at the moment, my Sister in Law, Kelly is due to have her baby this Friday! I cant believe it! We are so excited to meet our new little niece or nephew, and Buttons little cousin. Its been fab to have been pregnant at the same time as her, someone to share the experience, the excitement and the groans with. I think it’ll be great to have our children so close in age, they will grow up really close which is lovely. I never really had much family nearby when I was growing up, so I think its nice that Button will have! I have also seen my dad now, for what will probably be the last time before he’s a Grandad. I cant help but wonder whether that felt as strange and emotional for him as it did me.
I cant believe how close I am to finally becoming a mummy. I have literally wanted this since before I can remember. One of my oldest memories is from when I was about 4 years old. At that age I knew that babies came from ladies, but had no idea that men had anything to do with it. That Christmas I asked Santa to ask his wife if I could have a baby as my present. I remember telling him that all the other toys should be sent to children in Africa. I just wanted my baby. On Christmas Eve that year, I laid out my dolls cot, and chose a special outfit to put them in etc. Things have been similar my whole life. I had dolls that really felt real to me as a child, and I took much better care of them than a lot of children that age would. I get little tears of happiness when I think that after all of these years of feeling like this is what I was born for, its finally about to happen. It also feels a little emotional to think that at this point, I have no idea which of these blog posts will be my last as a ‘mum to be’. Therefore I just want to say how much I have loved every single second of this experience. It has felt like I’ve done a lot of grumbling over the past few weeks, but every single ache and pain will have been well worth it. It’s certainly been a rollercoaster, but iv had so much support from people riding along with me and I cant thank them enough. I’m going to be the absolute best I can be for this little person. I’m going to teach them everything I know and give them the start in life that they deserve. I love them so much already I cant even explain it. I cant wait to hold them and kiss their little nose!
I would like to give a very important thank you to my Husband, Adam. He has absolutely been my rock throughout this pregnancy. Constantly telling me how proud he is of me and how well I’m doing, at the times when I feel like I’m really not. He’s rubbed my back, washed my hair when iv been in pain and gone to the shops at all hours to fetch anything that I’ve needed. He’s amazing. One extra special thank you to him too, as even though it was burnt to a crisp, he ate that egg anyway, just to see me smile!

34+1

We are now just over 34 weeks pregnant, which means there are 5 weeks and 6 days left to go! Its scary how fast this all seems to have gone. To think that our baby will be in our arms in no longer than 8 weeks is amazing. I went to the Midwife yesterday, and she measured me bigger than she should again (between 37 and 38 weeks). She rang the hospital to ask for advice and they want to see me again next week. She had a good feel of Button, and He/She is beginning to get engaged ( become head down into my pelvis ready for departure). So its feeling pretty close now!

We've just had some incredibly exciting news, The nursery furniture is going to be delivered on the 1st August (11 days time!). I'm so relieved. It feels like we can actually get fully prepared now. The nursery is literally full of stuff to the point you can hardly get in there, so it will be amazing to finally get everything organized and in the right place :)

I had my Baby Shower on Sunday ( 17/7/11) which was lovely. We played lots of games, had a lovely buffet and general girly chats for hours. It was lovely to see some old faces again.

Over the past 8 days we've been to 3 Antenatal classes (6 whole hours!). We have both thoroughly enjoyed each of them and found them to be very useful. We've covered things such as: Stages of Labour, Pain relief, Breathing, Massage, Post natal care and breastfeeding. I think Adam may have benefited even more than me from them. I've spent the past 34 weeks constantly reading about all of these things, whereas i think a lot of it was new information to him. I've been really worrying about how Adam will handle being there for the labour and Birth, as he is even more squeamish than me, but he showed a genuine interest in the classes and is now feeling really confident, which is great to see. I'm really proud of him.

I've got a nice day coming up next Thursday. For our first Wedding anniversary, Adam bought me a 'mum to be' pamper day at Centre Parcs, which is now booked. So i am very much looking forward to that!

This stage of pregnancy is really starting to get uncomfortable now. I'm waking about every 2 hours for toilet trips through the night, and i find it almost impossible to get comfortable in bed. My hands and feet are swelling really badly and my fingers are really stiff and painful. I've had to take my wedding ring off, which broke my heart, as my fingers are just too fat! After meals i struggle to breathe because there is so little space inside me, and i rarely finish a meal now as i feel so full all the time!

Button seems to get into some really funny positions now and at times i feel like i can hardly carry the weight. I waddle and have to hold the underneath of my bump because its so heavy it feels like he/she is going to fall out!

I'm finding myself getting a little tearful now too. This is what I've wanted my whole life, and its almost here. It still doesn't feel real that i have an actual tiny person living inside me, and that its going to be mine to keep, forever! I've got constant butterflies in my tummy now because I'm so excited.

Adam and I have had some lovely time together over the past couple of weeks too, he turned 29 on Monday and we spent the day at Centre Parcs. We played Badminton, and went swimming and just generally spent good quality time together. We seem to be cuddling a lot more at the minute and having really nice long chats etc. We occasionally go and have a game of golf in the evenings too (which is something i never thought I'd get into). Its really nice to not have distractions of the busy world and all its technology that we're constantly surrounded by. Its good to escape to somewhere peaceful and just be in each others company. I don't think we've every felt closer, and more happy as a family and i feel like its a perfect beginning for welcoming our baby into the world.

So, life is generally very good. Lots to look forward to and enjoying the build up to our new life :) xx

Love Love Love xx

32+2

OK, so i have been yet again failing miserably as a blogger. Since finishing work iv been trying to keep myself busy, and get out somewhere at least once a day. Most days iv been seeing friends, walking round town etc, often being out of the house for most of the day. As nice as its been to see people and keep busy, i think I'm going to have to slow things down considerably now. I can literally only walk for a couple of minutes now and I'm in agony. The underneath of my bump really hurts and my feet swell up. The past couple of days i feel like my energy levels have gone back down to 0. Today is the first day i haven't left the house. I got up at 10am and had some toast, then felt like i needed to lay down again. I went back to bed and didn't get up until past 3pm! I feel so weak. I got something to eat and tried to do some jobs around the house but i feel awful, i just want to go back to bed. I think I'm going to have to really start taking it easy now. I ended up rushing off to the hospital last week too. I didn't feel Button move very much for a couple of days, and my hands and feet had swollen up loads, that on top of knowing there's been protein in my wee for several weeks i thought i should ring the hospital. They told me to go straight in. So after a bus ride, taxi ride, train ride and a rather unpleasant uphill walk, i arrived at the hospital. They took a urine sample and strapped me to two monitors on the bed. They had to try and get the baby moving, so the midwife examined me and grabbed hold of the baby's head (which wasn't exactly comfortable). I don't think Button enjoyed it either, as he/she didn't stop moving after that. They tried to get a clear monitor of the baby's heart, but as baby wriggled, he/she kept kicking the monitor off. The midwife told me that we needed to have two clear 40 minute readings of both baby's heartbeat and movement before i would be allowed to leave. She tested my wee, and there was still protein in it, she did my blood pressure and it was high, and she took my temperature and it was also high (All signs of Preeclampsia). They monitored me for two hours before they decided i was OK to leave.

I was back to see the consultant the following morning. She did my blood pressure etc again and it was still high, she said she was going to do an extra blood test just to check everything. She tested my urine, there was no protein, but Glucose!! She said they would have to monitor this over the next few weeks, and if it kept appearing i would have to have the Glucose test again! She called another doctor in for a second opinion, and explained her concerns. He didn't seem to be that worried, so i managed to get out of the extra blood test! They booked me back to see the other Doctor on the 1st September!! (If the baby isn't here before).

I went to my midwife on Wednesday and there was no trace of anything in my wee! So that's a nice relief!

I have noticed some definite changes in the pregnancy over the past week. My bump has become rock solid and the movements have changed lots. Its not little kicks anymore, i can actually feel (and see) the baby turning and changing positions. Its amazing! Also, i have now noticed the baby having hiccups! Its incredible! I always rub his/her back to try and help. Its really cute!

In other news, my hospital bag (suitcase) is almost finished. I just need to pick up a couple more bits next time we go shopping then it'll be done. I found it so exciting, washing, ironing and packing the first few outfits that Button will ever wear!

I went to Kelly's baby shower last Sunday and it was awesome! It was so nice to have a load of ladies together, for girly chats and some great games! I really enjoyed it. I decided to hurry up and get mine organised. Once if written a list of who i wanted to invite, i had over 60 names written down, none of which i would want to leave out! So i have booked a lounge and conservatory at a local club, which will be lovely. I've planned lots of games and decorations which I'm really excited about. We now have just over a week to go and i have a grand total of 8 people attending. I'm currently feeling rather embarrassed and let down. People just aren't replying, and i don't want to hire the club for only 8 people! If not many are going to come I'll do it at home but I'm just not getting any answers. Also, its making it so difficult to organise food as we have no idea how much we're going to need!

So, less than 8 weeks until we become Mummy and Daddy. I cant wait to cuddle my little person now!

Drama at 29 weeks

I am now 29 + 2 and we haven't heard anything about my tests as of yet, which i can only assume is a positive sign.
We've had a bit of bad news today though, Adam had a phone call from the furniture company, and apparently our set is out of stock. They are getting it back in, but we might not receive it until the end of August! I'm really disappointed because I'm almost 100% sure that Button will now be here before we have any of the stuff. I was looking forward to spending my early weeks of maternity leave getting the nursery perfect, with everything ironed and hung up, and everything in place ready. I hate the thought that the nursery could still be pretty much empty when we bring the baby home.
More bad news I'm afraid. We have just found out that my Auntie is seriously ill. She lives in Norfolk and we only saw here a couple of weeks ago. She was full of life and so excited about Button, and my sisters upcoming wedding. We found out a couple of days ago that she was bed ridden at home and not good at all. Today we have found out that she is in hospital and her heart is failing. The thought that there is even a possibility that she might not be here for the wedding, and Buttons birth has hit us hard. It all seems so sudden. Its made me feel like i now almost want to find out whether Buttons a boy or a girl just so i can make sure she knows.
My Grandma has been really poorly too, and has been rushed to hospital in the early hours of the morning twice in a week, and kept in for a couple of nights each time. They don't even take her to the local hospital either, she has to go to the main City hospital. She's out again now, and has been round for tea with my Grandad tonight, and they both seem their usual chirpy selves, but it certainly has been a worrying time.
I got to work this morning and was instantly red hot. The bands i now have to wear round my stomach really don't help with the heat, and they are giving me a nasty rash. Also, over the past couple of weeks i have been getting really breathless, and the tightness of the bands doesn't help with this either.
I was instantly finding the heat a struggle when i got to work this morning, i kept sipping water, and tried to sit in front of a fan whenever possible, but i was literally sweating! At about 10:15 i had quite bad Braxton Hicks, and had to stop what i was doing and sit on my own for a minute and take deep breaths until it eased off.
About an hour later i suddenly seemed to get an extra rush of heat and went to sit down for a minute. I started to get really breathless and my vision went all dark, then i got pins and needles in my hands and my tongue and the next thing i remember is opening my eyes, panting for breath and seeing Amber hovering over me and putting my legs up on a chair. I think i was laying on the floor for a few minutes, and another couple of first aiders arrived and Laura phones and Ambulance. I got a really painful tight feeling in my tummy and i remember wondering if this was the start of labour. I suddenly became desperate to get the bands off from around me as it felt so tight. So they cut them off and the pain eased. A few minutes later the paramedics arrived and put me up on a stretcher trolley. They fetched me more water and we phoned Adam to let him know i was being taken to hospital. He phoned Abi and she set off to meet us at the hospital. They wheeled me out and put me in the back of the ambulance. They asked me loads of questions, stuck wires all over me, a clip on my finger and a blood pressure band round my arm and a thermometer in my ear. They pricked my finger and tested my blood sugar and then headed off to the hospital. When we got there i had two nurses checking everything again, they stuck more wires to me and took my temperature and blood pressure again and then fetched a Doctor. The doctor asked more questions and felt the baby etc, they tested me wee and found Protein yet again. After a couple of hours we set off home. They told me to try and take it steady and to keep as cool as possible to prevent me from overheating. I felt exhausted by the time we got back and headed straight to bed.
Its left me feeling a bit unsure about my maternity leave again. I still would absolutely hate to have to leave really early, because i want as much time as possible with the baby, but its starting to feel more and more like my body is screaming at me to slow down now. I have still got three weeks of holiday to take, but even if i started now, id still only be 33 weeks when my maternity would start. This would be fine if i knew for sure Button would be early, but in the unlikely event that Button was 2 weeks late, i would have been off for 9 weeks before he/she arrives! I really don't know what to do for the best. I'm having a meeting at work on Tuesday, after my hospital appointment to discuss what the best option might be, so hopefully this will help. So things are quite stressful at the moment, but at least we get to see our little one again on Tuesday!

Love love love xx

Who needs sleep? 27 +3

Well, its 5:15 and i am sitting here apparently physically unable to sleep any longer, even though i didn't settle down until 1am, and have already been awake for an hour! This however though, is considered a very successful night!

We are currently on our final morning of our little holiday to Norfolk, which i want to talk a little bit about, as it is our final holiday without having our miniature human with us. (Obviously Buttons with us, but currently not causing us a great deal of trouble.)

We set off at about 5:30 on Wednesday night and arrived at about 8:30. We had pizza and chips and a catch up with my dad, and his girlfriend Sue and then chilled in front of the telly for a while. I got a little overheated so headed out onto the balcony with a drink and one of my pregnancy books which was beautifully relaxing.

That night i hardly slept at all. which was a difficult result to say i was in one of the comfiest beds iv experienced for a long time. I was wide awake until about 5:15am (as was Adam, trying to help get me to sleep bless him) and i finally nodded off, but was tossing and turning before waking again at 8am.

There was a problem this month with my pay, it was the first month of me being activated on a new payroll, and there had been a problem which meant that i didn't get paid when i should have done, last Friday. However, i had been promised that i would receive the money by Thursday, so we'd set off to Norfolk penniless ( Abi had to bring us as we didn't even have the money for petrol).

I had been told on the phone that work had been battling to ensure my pay would be in by Thursday, otherwise it would be an additional 10 days! When we all got up on Thursday morning i checked my account and there was still nothing in it. I usually contribute largely towards the mortgage and bills, and so Adam had paid everything out of his account, which left that empty too. We then both had direct debits taken out, which left us both overdrawn, so we will both be getting bank charges. I ended up in tears, as i thought we were going to spend the entire holiday not able to do a thing. Dad and Sue were out at work, we were only be going to see them in the evenings, so we would have literally been stuck in the house with nothing to do. I checked the bank again at 12pm and there was still nothing in there. I decided we might as well have a walk to the seaside, even if it only ended up being literally a walk. Abi had got a bit of money that she said she could lend us, but i was worrying that any money we could borrow should probably used for the final bills which will be coming out on Monday, rather than ice cream and arcade games.

It took about 40 minutes to drive to the Sherringham, we walked for a few minutes before heading to the nearest cash point. Thankfully, my money had gone in just after 1pm, which has meant that we have finally been able to enjoy the last few days of our time off worry free.

We pottered in and out of a few seaside gift shops and bought a little picnic from a local bakery. We then headed down and ate our lunch on the seafront. The weather was beautiful!

We walked around for the rest of the afternoon pottering in and out of shops and soaking up the seaside atmosphere hand in hand, before heading back to dads.

We had a delicious steak for dinner, and then piled into the car and headed out, dad was treating us to a trip to a 'cinema with a difference'. We arrived at an old fashioned looking building at around 8pm, it was beautifully decorated inside, with old stone walls and mahogany counters. We collected our sweets, and tickets for 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4' and headed into the bar. After a few minutes we took our drinks, (which was a pint of larger in the cases of dad, Adam and Abi), and headed into the theatre with our 3D glasses. It was a tiny little room, unlike any Odeon. Adams pick 'n' mix had vanished by about the third trailer!

I think Button got a bit over excited by the exciting music that accompanied the film, as he/she was bopping about all over the place in there!

We got back at about 11:30, dad and Sue headed off to bed and the three of us sat in the lounge with a drink for a little while. I slept amazingly well, and got about 7 solid hours, which is a total record from over the past few weeks!

We got up yesterday morning at 9:30 and headed out at

about 11. We drove into Norwich city centre for a wander around the shops which was lovely. The first shop i saw when we heading into the centre was a giant Mother care! We spent ages in there. There were some beautiful things. It was lovely to see Adam (and Abi) getting excited over tiny little outfits.

One outfit that i have been admiring for a while, is a little 'Humphrey's corner' dress. It isn't cheap, but i have decided that if Buttons a girl, and they still stock it by the time she arrives, mummy will definitely be treating her to it!

We walked around the shops for a couple of hours, before setting off to spend the rest of the afternoon in Great Yarmouth. When we arrived there, we had a game of 18 hole Pirate themed Crazy Golf, which was amazingly fun and took quite some time to complete! Button got quite competitive!

We then walked around the amusements for a couple of hours. Adam won £15 on a fruit machine and Abi and I got hooked on a duck-themed 2p machine, and won 3 rubber ducks and one fluffy duck, for Button.

It was past 5pm by this time so we nipped across to a stall, Adam got a giant ice cream, i got a Slush and Abi got a Hot Chocolate and we headed back to the car.

We got back to Dad and Sue and had another lovely meal with them before chilling out on the sofa for a couple of hours. We said our goodbyes to dad at about 9:45, and they headed off for an early night, as he was out for work at 4 this morning. At 10:10 Adam and I decided to head out for a romantic stroll to check out the little local pubs in the village. We walked for about half an hour and then found a lovely little pub with a live band, and pretty lights outside. We bought drinks and sat out and chatted about our plans for the near future.

After some lovely long conversations about money, parenting and labour etc we headed across to a kebab shop over the road and got Adam some supper, (which i happily stole half of).

We got completely lost on the way back and ended up wandering around chatting for around and extra 45 minutes! We headed off to bed when we got back, and Adam read his 'A blokes Guide to Pregnancy' book for a while.

I'm not sure yet what we are doing today, i was hoping to build sandcastles at some point, but the weathers not looking too sparkling. On our way home later, we're calling in at Grantham to see my Grandparents, who we very rarely get to see these days. I think we're having dinner there. Adams been tracking our family tree, and has managed to get back to 1550, so he's very much looking forward to long discussions with my Grandad.

I don't know how last nights lack of sleep is going to affect me today, I'm feeling pretty exhausted, and its still only 6:15 so i might head back to bed and see if i can grab another hour, although at least I've got the 3 hour car ride to possibly get some rest this afternoon.

I really am starting to worry about going back to work now though. 2-3 hours sleep a night isn't such an issue when i can rest throughout the day, but I'm dreading how I'm going to feel adding a full time job onto that amount of sleep deprivation. I also now weigh approximately the same as 12 double Decker buses, so I'm having to rest after every few steps at the moment, and I'm finding myself a little breathless at times too.

I'm trying to keep a positive mind with the work thing though, after all, i love my job and the people i work with and its only another 7 weeks of actual work! I'm sure it'll fly by. I'm still quite glad about the choices iv made regarding my maternity leave. I'll be working right up to 36 weeks, using two weeks holidays and then starting maternity at 38 weeks! Which means I'll have lots of time with Button when he/she is here.

Just to confuse everyone, I'm now going to take my blog post back to Wednesday afternoon, before we set off on our little Holiday. We spent most of the afternoon at the hospital for our two appointments. I had my Physiotherapy first, which was useful in some ways, as i was given bump support bands and exercises to try, but i didn't really gain as much as I'd hoped for. I got no answers about the RLS, and no answers really as to what can help with all the pain, but hopefully if i persist with the exercises, they'll help to ease it in the long run.

Secondly we had the all important visit to the hospital midwives, to get my bump remeasured. Bare in mind that two weeks previous, i had been measured at 29-30 weeks, i am now measuring at 35! It was another different midwife today, who confirmed that my tummy muscles are 'incredibly strong' and so therefore its hard to feel where the baby is. She did however manage to tell us the position of the head, which is still incredibly low.

She decided that it is probably for the best that we arrange a growth scan, to see if Button really is a little porker, or if I'm gaining lots of fluid, or if its just a generally big bump. She said one of the main concerns could be that I'm developing/have developed Gestational diabetes, so its quite important that we get everything checked out. It'll be lovely to see the baby again anyway, as long as the sex isn't revealed!

The midwife told me that id be receiving a phone call with my appointment for the scan, as they couldn't fit me in that afternoon. Shortly after we left, i had a phone call asking if we could make it on Friday, when i explained that we were away she said she'd try for another appointment and call me back, which she hasn't done. I'll give them a ring on Monday morning and chase it up.

Well, this has probably been one of my longest ever posts! Its now 6:31 so at least iv killed some time of being up alone. One positive thing about the lack of sleep is that i definately feel i'll be ready for all the night feeds, i'll be pretty used to only having a couple of hours a night by the time Buttons here!

I'm going to attempt to get comfy and sleep a little bit longer now, as i imagine Adam and Abi will probably snooze for another couple of hours yet.

Love love love,

Mummy Elce and Baby Button xxx