Tough decisions..

This blog post is a little different. Its not about Isabelle, pregnancy or anything baby related at all. Its also different because i would like the opinion of each and every person who reads it.It's something I'm struggling to make about, so would like as many points of view as possible, So please comment below with your thoughts..

I possibly have some very difficult decisions coming up in my life, they keep going round and round in my head, yet I'm getting no closer to deciding how i feel about them, or what I'd want to do.

My mum got Breast cancer when i was 14, and then again when i was 16. They were very rare types and she was incredibly ill, in fact, it was touch and go at times. I find this very hard to even think about, but at the moment its something I'm thinking about a lot.
Because the type of cancer was a rare, and very dangerous one, joined with the fact that she got it twice within two years make her case very unusual. Therefore she has been part of a study for a while.
She has been asked to go and have tests to find our whether or not she is a genetic carrier of it. If she is, it could mean my sister and i are at a much higher risk of getting it. We then have to decide whether or not we want to be tested to see if we have the gene. This could tell us whether we are likely to get it over the next few years. If we do have it, we will have a very high risk of getting it at some point.
So, do i want to know??
Would i live my life worrying about it? I worry that I'd feel like I'm living with a time bomb, spending my life waiting for the cancer to surface, would it ruin everything?
Or am i better to know? Would it make me more alert to the signs?
Of course, if the tests show i haven't got the gene, it doesn't mean i cant get cancer, it just means i have the same chance as everyone else. I believe the current statistics is 1 in 6 people get it.. so imagine my stats if i have the gene. It's so scary.
The other big decision, is that if we had the tests and we do have it, we could opt to have voluntary surgery, in the form of a double mastectomy (both breasts removed), which means we wouldn't ever be able to get that type of cancer. It sounds dramatic, especially as we wouldn't ever know whether it was necessary or not. However, it is such a dangerous form of cancer, my mum was very lucky, and very strong to beat it.
One thing that i cant stop thinking about is that i have my little girl to think about  now. I was the hardest time of my life seeing my mum go through everything she did. So many operations, losing her hair, months of chemo which made her so ill, followed by months of radiotherapy. And we still never really knew what was going to happen. My mum is my world and i haven't even been able to write this without crying. I hate what she went through, and i never want Isabelle to have to watch me go through that.
Sometimes, thinking about not wanting to do it, almost seems vain, when having that operation could prevent so much heartache for my family, my reasons for not doing it are purely personal. Maybe that should answer my question.
Its tricky too because my sister Abi has already made her mind up, she wakes up every day wondering if she's going to get it, so finding out could only change things in a positive way for her if she doesn't have it. But then if i don't find out, and i find out she's got it, how would i feel?
Either way, i think i need to put a hell of a lot of thought into this,  it may not be something i have to worry about anyway. Mums results could come back saying she isn't a carrier. Problem solved. 

Things i want you to comment about..
Would you want to know whether or not you have it?
What are your thoughts on the operation?
Any men reading this, how do you feel about it if it was yourself? But also, if it was your partner, how would you feel?

As many opinions as possible please :)
xxx

Miss Independant..

Isabelle's first night in her own room was emotional. I sobbed and i think even Adam got a tear in his eye. She woke me up around 15 times throughout that night. It's quite a cold room though, there's no radiator in there. Each time i went to her, her little hands were like icicles. I added extra blankets and snuggled her in tight and each time she went straight back to sleep.
Her bedtime used to be 10pm, as this seemed to be the earliest she'd settle, however last night we brought it forward to 9pm. We eventually would like to get it down to 7pm. I still maintained the same routine of playtime, bath time, bottle, story, bed, we just did it an hour earlier. She went down at 9pm, i followed shortly after at 9:15 (which is very unusual for me, but i was sooo tired). She woke for a quick feed at 11 (Adam was still up, so he did it) and then slept through until 8:30am. So we are going to stick to 9pm for a while now. This will be nice, as it will give Adam and i a couple of hours together.

I'm in a lot of pain now and really struggling. I just wish i could get my operation over with. It annoys me to think that if it had have been done on the original date, my 6 weeks of recovery would be over by now.
It's recently got to the point where it actually hurts to sit down, and to get into the bath, just every day things. And the pain is getting worse and worse. I have also spent 4 weeks of 2012 bleeding. I'm not sure whether that's to do with the problem, or whether its the depo injection i had but i dint like it. It's a month tomorrow until the operation. As eager as i am to get it done, I'm petrified.
When your in labour, you are in so much pain you don't care what they do to you, you just want it to be over. I pretty much knew I'd end up having an episiotomy, but when it actually came down to it, i didn't really notice at all. However, this time, i will be going into the hospital knowing exactly what they're going to do, and it makes me feel sick. The weeks afterwards will be worse than after I'd given birth as well apparently, as it will be old scar tissue. So it's not going to be a fun few weeks, but i just cant wait until it's all over. It almost feels like the whole fear of birth etc that i dealt with for so long cant go away yet, because it's not all over. It also makes me angry to think that i shouldn't have to be going through this, all these months of pain I've had, and the fear of being put to sleep, as well as the recovery afterwards, i should have been fully recovered months ago.
Adam says he's going to sue for emotional distress, as it'll almost have been a year of no sex by the time I'm sorted! Haha.

My Big Girl

So, tonight's the night. Isabelle is going to go into her own room, in her cot. My heart has officially broken. I think she will actually sleep a million times better, as she'll be able to stretch her arms out, and she seems to be really comfy when she sleeps like that.
We put her in her cot for a nap earlier, and we didn't hear a peek out of her for an hour, and she slept in her travel cot at Adams mums last night, and had a really good night. Its just the thought of her being in a room on her own all night :(

Its seems to make it more official, that our baby is growing up. Once she's in that room, in her big bed, that's it. She'll never be our tiny baby who sleeps at our bedside again. Time has gone way too fast. Sometimes it makes me panic, i want it to slow down. She seems to only have been wearing some of her clothes for a few days before she's outgrown them.

It's a weird feeling. It's like part of me wants her to stay my tiny baby forever, yet the other part loves watching her grow up and cant wait to see what a wonderful young lady she's becoming.
One thing i know for sure though, no matter how big she gets, she'll always be my baby girl!

Dear Izzy..

I set Isabelle an email account when she was born, i have emailed her several times since, and i intend to continue to do so throughout her life. I have written one to her tonight, regrettably the first one in a while, but i thought it would make a good blog post too, as it explains all of her recent progress....

Hello my beautiful little lady! Guess what? You are now 20 weeks old!! I have been sooo busy lately; we've been doing all sorts together so this is the first chance I have had to email in a while.
You are growing up so fast; you are now in 6-9 months sleep suits because you are so long! We had an incredible first Christmas with you; you were spoilt rotten by everyone who loves you! You are changing and learning so much every day! You like to hold toys in your hands now, and shaking rattles! You LOVE it when mummy sings to you. Your favourite song is 'five little men in a flying saucer’, closely followed by 'five little speckled frogs’  ... these can make you giggle even when your feeling really sad! You love playing in your blossom farm activity centre, and your jumperoo and you can reach the floor in both of them now! You have found your voice and love to chatter away to us! You even give us sloppy kisses now too which is lovely! You’re trying very hard to roll over now, and I don’t think it'll be long before you do it! You manage to get onto your side so far!
You can almost sit up on your own too! Mummy sits behind you because you do sometime flop over a little bit, but you're getting stronger and stronger every single day!

We have started going to mummy and baby swimming, which we both really enjoy!  You were pretty unsure to begin with, and you clung to mummy's neck. You are getting braver and braver every week! You still absolutely love bath time, and like to splash mummy and daddy!
You love to look at yourself in the mirror too, and always give yourself a huge smile!

Everyone who every see's your comments on how beautiful, and smiley you are. You’re such a happy little girl, and mummy and daddy love your smile more than anything in the world!

You're a very cuddly little girl. You struggle to sleep unless you have something to cuddle (usually your bunny). We had planned to put you in your own room for the first time tonight, but mummy is so nervous about it! We just love being able to wake up and see you there next to us whenever we want to. I hate the thought of you being on your own in your big girl bedroom, but I suppose it needs to happen sooner or later. You’re getting too big for your Moses basket really!

We're going on a little holiday at the end of February. For 5 days at Centre Parcs! You, Mummy, Daddy, Auntie Kelly, Uncle Craigy, Peyton, Nanna and Grandad and we are very excited! Mummy has just won a lovely Peppa Pig swimming costume for you on eBay that we can take!

You have been quite poorly since Christmas. You aren't eating much and you are very sick all of the time. You have dipped quite a lot in your weight charts now too. We go to the hospital every few weeks, and they have just put you on some new milk, and new medicine, which seems to be helping a lot. I just love what a brave little girl you are, and even though you have been really poorly, and in a lot of pain, you still manage to keep that wonderful smile on your beautiful little face.

We love you more and more every day! You are turning into such a little character, and it's such an amazing adventure watching you grow up!

All the love and cuddles in the world from Mummy and Daddy!
xxxx

A blogging good time!

I have just had an interview about my life as a blogger. It was all recorded and everything, for a university project. I seriously enjoyed it. Being asked all of those questions and thinking about the answers has seriously made me realise how blogging has changed my life, how much I love doing it, and how, finally I’ve managed to keep something like this going for more than a week...

Throughout my teenage years I tried several times to keep a diary, as something to look back on and remember times in my life. It usually started as a new year’s resolution... and often ended before February arrived. I said in the interview that this blog is going to be amazing to read through in years to come, and for Isabelle to read when she's older, but I think the one thing that's kept me going with it is seeing how many views it’s had. I love checking the stats and seeing that often there has been more than 100 a day!

I have definitely become hooked. There was a time, shortly after having Isabelle that I nearly stopped doing it, as I didn’t think people would find it interesting any more, however I soon saw that wasn’t the case.

I think even if people weren't reading it now I’d still carry on. It keeps me sane! It really seems to take the pressure off of life and all its issues. It's a way of getting things off my chest.
There have been several blog posts that I’ve sat and written over the past year, that I have never even posted, as they may have been unsuitable, but just writing them made me feel a whole lot better.

Blogging has been a big part of my life for the past 14 months, it’s my 'me' time (and I don’t get a lot of that these days!). I've always found it helpful, but this interview has definitely helped me realise quite how helpful it is. I have no intention of stopping. In fact, I’m planning a completely new blog (as well as this one) on a completely different subject, which I plan to start on Sunday (reasons for the chosen day will be revealed).
So watch this space...