WARNING: This blog post is far from cheery, and may upset some readers.
I have now sat down to write what is going to be by far the most difficult blog post yet. I think I'm actually going to find it pretty hard to relive it and put it down in words, but its a huge part of this story.. something which could have brought a very abrupt end to it. So here we go...
I have really found these past few weeks of motherhood difficult. I haven't felt like there has been anything i could do to make Isabelle better when she was crying. She has hardly slept at all, apart from if she's out in her pram. Whenever we're at home she just cries constantly, i don't get any sleep and i don't get anything done - its been exhausting! She'd cry, so I'd feed her, then a matter of minutes later she'd be absolutely screaming! She'd turn purple and hold her breath and getting really distressed! Within half an hour she'd be rooting again as if she was hungry. I was getting really confused, i couldn't understand how she could possibly be as hungry as she appeared to be. I was getting really sore from the constant feeding. She was pretty inconsolable most of the time!
Also, to add to my concern, she hadn't poohed for several days, which i asked my midwife about and she said not to worry until she hadn't been for two weeks (If she still hadn't by Monday i needed to ring the doctor). I explained that she seemed to really be in pain, and that she was very unsettled but she didn't seem concerned.
Over the next few days a couple of other things begin to concern me.. Usually when she starts to cry, she whimpers a little first before it turns into a proper cry. By this point she would be laying still and then just suddenly start screaming, and there would be nothing i could do to calm her down. Literally all of the hair fell out on the top of her head within a day (I know it can be normal for hair to begin falling out, but its usually at the back and isn't so sudden). She also started vomiting full feeds back as soon as she's had them (She'd never really been sick at all before) .. By Wednesday, she was being so sick it was coming out of her nose as well and almost choking her.
I've been spending most nights sleeping on the sofa, with Izzy in a moses basket at the side of me. Adam has to get up for work and so i figured it wasn't fair for him to be kept awake all night every night with her screaming. Also, being in the lounge meant i could have the TV on very quietly, to give me something to focus on and help to keep me awake.
On this particular night, she seemed particularly distressed so i sat and cuddled her after her feeds in attempt to calm her down. She finally settled down at approximately 3am, so i put her down ready to get some rest myself. Usually, if she is asleep during the night, i am fast asleep myself, as i get so little chance to get any sleep. For some unknown reason i just randomly went to check her at about 3:45am, possibly because it was so unusual for her to seem so settled.
When i first looked at her i realised she looked a lot paler than usual. She is usually a very light sleeper, the slightest touch would make her wriggle and squirm, and she jumps very easily with loud noises.
I touched her arm first, and she didn't move, i stroked her face and she still didn't move. She felt really cool to touch. I then rested my hand on her chest and listened for her breathing. It didn't take long for me to realise she wasn't breathing at all. I scooped her up as fast as i could, and she just flopped completely in my arms. My heart was pounding like it never has before. I started swinging her fast in my arms and shouting her name. I ran out into the landing where the light was on. I rocked her harder, blew in her face and tapped her cheeks, constantly screaming her name at her. I then started running up the stairs with her in my arms, shouting for Adam. He jumped out of bed and came straight to us. She was still pale and completely lifeless. I blew in her face again, really hard and she did one huge gasp. She then started to breathe faintly, but still just flopped with no response, and her eyes closed. Adam took her off me and rubbed her all over and after what felt like a life time her eyes began to flicker and then they opened. At this point i fell to my knees, hysterical and shaking uncontrollably. I hadn't cried at all until that point, i hadn't had time to.
After what seemed like forever i was finally sitting in front of a doctor, explaining everything that had happened, including my concerns from over the past few weeks. She asked me to undress Isabelle. I explained that she had now not poohed for ten days! She pressed hard on Izzys tummy, and my baby girl screamed with pain!
She then listened to her heart and lungs, and took her temperature. She told me to redress her, and she went straight over to the phone. She phoned the ward and told them she was admitting a 4 week old baby. My heart sunk.
Izzy was screaming again by now and i just couldn't take my eyes off of her. When we got there we went straight to Ward 25 another Doctor came to speak to us. As soon as he started talking i suspected that Isabelle had done a poo. They found us a bed (With bars) and took us round. Before he examined her we checked her nappy. Thanks to the doctor pressing her stomach she had finally gone, and it was everywhere. She was still screaming, but Lynn and i got her bathed and wrapped up warm ready for her to be examined. The doctor was concerned by how swollen her tummy looked. We went over her symptoms and the events of the early hours again while he examined her. By this time, she had a rash which had appeared on her chest. They checked this and explained that it was just because she was so distressed.
She was really upset and screaming, so i fed her again while the doctor finished his questions. He then left us for a while and the nurse came in. She asked a load more questions, attached a little bag to Izzy to get a urine sample and weighed her. She was 9lb 14oz, so she had still been putting weight on.
Adam arrived and we had a tearful hug. The doctor came back a while later and told us that we were going to be kept in over night, he said that Isabelle needed a cannula putting into her tiny little hand so they could take blood tests, and in case she needed any medication. I was sobbing again by this point. He said she would then be wired to heart monitors and breathing monitors until they worked out what was causing it.
Luckily Lynn said she didn't mind going with Izzy while she had her cannula in, as neither me or Adam felt we could face seeing her go through that. I felt guilty for not going with her, but knew i wouldn't be much use if i did.
They left us for quite a while, Izzy had settled, so i went outside to ring my mum. She told me she was on her way and was bringing some extra clothes for Izzy and I. By the time i got back up to the ward Izzy and Lynn had gone. Adam and I spent the next 10-15 minutes pacing up and down. We could hear our beautiful little girl screaming from right down the corridor.
My mum arrived while before they'd come back and i just clung to her and cried. A few minutes later Lynn walked in carrying Izzy. We rushed over to them. Lynn looked really flushed and said it had been incredibly distressing. Izzy had her whole arm bandaged up with the tube coming out, and a bruise on her other hand, as they'd had to try both. She was really pale and didn't look well at all.
They then told us they had a room ready for us, so we went to get settled. They wired Izzy to the monitors, there was a clicking noise every time she breathed. Alarms sounded every time she stopped breathing, or if her oxygen levels went dangerously low (which happened approximately 17 times during the night). The nurses came in and said that the alarms would sound if she hadn't been breathing for 20 seconds! Which seems like such a long time for such a little person to not be breathing.
We were all on edge for the rest of the evening. Nurses were coming in and out constantly and i couldn't take my eyes off my little lady. They came to take the bag with her urine in, which made her scream again. Eventually they came back to tell us there had been a trace of infection in her urine. The nurse gave us a foil bowl and asked us to attempt to try and get another sample in it. Trying to hold a month old baby over a bowl like that until she did a wee was impossible!
The staff were fantastic, they showed us where we could make ourselves hot drinks, and answered any questions we had. My mum went home to get some things, and Adam and Lynn went home when she got back. Mum stayed with us all night, which i was so grateful for.
We had a few nurses and doctors coming in and out through the night, and the following morning they came to explain results to us. They found that Isabelle is Dairy Protein intolerant, therefore i have had to cut all dairy products out of my diet. Her stomach was really inflamed inside and she also has acid reflux. So she's been in agony, no wonder we couldn't settle her. Every single one of the feeds I've given her has made her more and more ill. I feel awful. I know i wasn't to know, but when she cried, i fed her, so she cried even more... i completely understand it now and its heartbreaking.
We now attach her to a monitor which clicks every time she breathes, the same as in the hospital, and an alarm sounds if she stops breathing. Its such a relief to have this as i would never have been able to sleep otherwise. She has medication 8 times a day and we have to keep her upright for 30 minutes after every feed. She's got 3 follow up appointments next week to check everything is still OK.
This has been the worst experience of my life. I was 100% sure she was dead when i found her that night. I never would have forgiven myself if my milk had killed her. I love her so much, that nights going to haunt me forever.
