I'm feeling quite down at the moment and in need of a good moan, so here goes.
It's not really motherhood that I'm down about, that side of things is going quite well at the moment. Isabelle is doing really well on the new milk and meds, and managing to keep much more down. She generally much happier and more settled, her hair has been growing beautifully while she's been on this new milk too!
I'm feeling very low about myself. My confidence has hit rock bottom. I cant bare to look at myself, or get undressed, or even go out in public at times. I feel like i have no clothes that fit me properly and i just want to hide somewhere away from myself and cry.
I have never been this fat in my life and i absolutely hate myself. I cant blame it all on having a baby either because I'd put a considerable amount of weight on before i even got pregnant. I was even fat on my wedding day, which makes me feel sick. I hate the thought that the photos and memories from that day will be a big part of our lives forever, and i don't even like how i looked then.
I was a size 8 when Adam and i got together and my low confidence now is just making me paranoid about everything. Why would he want to be with me while I'm like this? He could do so much better.
The thing that makes it a million times worse is that I'm trying so hard and getting no results. Iv cut my portion sizes down to really quite small, I'm eating mainly vegetables, doing lots of walking and spending time on my exercise bike (which fascinates Isabelle) and nothings happening.
This 'Depo' injection i had can supposedly make u rapidly gain weight, so i wonder if that's whats stopping me losing it. Something needs to change though, and soon
.
Whenever i go out i feel like every ones staring at me, thinking how huge i am. No matter where i am, shopping, just walking down the street etc I'm constantly looking around to see if i can see anyone bigger than me.. and scarily i often cant.
I dont want to be a big fat lump for Isabelle either, i want to be able to run about and chase her and play with energy for as long as she needs me to. I want to be healthy for her, and someone she looks up to and wants to be like.
I take Izzy to be weighed every other Thursday too, so there are loads of new mums all in the same room there, it depresses me to see what lovely figures a lot of them have, you cant tell they're recently had a baby, some a lot more recently than me too :(
It frustrates me to think iv never considered myself as slim, yet if i look back on old photos now, id do ANYTHING to have my old figure back!
Iv found some old pictures out, which I'm gonna get printed and stick all over the house, I'm gonna carry one around in my purse, as my 'thinspiration' to work extra hard. I need to do everything i can to lose this weight and regain my confidence.
Just a quick update..
Isabelle seems to be really getting used to her new milk and medication! She was taking an average of 13oz a day on the other stuff, and being sick constantly. I am very happy to announce that yesterday she guzzled a whopping 21.5oz and was hardly sick at all! She's a much happier little person again. She's more settled through the night and doesn't seem to be in pain like she used to. Things are really looking up. I'm managing to get her medicine down her now and i really think its making a big difference.
I don't know whether this has any connection to the new milk but her hair has grown dramatically over the past few days! She's getting more and more beautiful every day! She's changing so much and growing into such a little character. She's got a new bunny that she loves intensely! She snuggles it every night and sucks his ears :) I'm going to have to get a second one i think, as a spare for when this ones being washed, he is loved sooo much by my little lady!
I'm going to put some ,more photo's on later to show you how much she's changing!
I've just booked her party which I'm really excited about. We have decided we aren't going to have a christening due to a clash of religions, but we still want to do something special for her, so we're having a party :) Exciting times ahead :)
Love love love xx
This post is probably going to be completely opposite to the last. I had been feeling soo positive, and things we're going so well. How fast things can change...
In my last post i mention my battle with trying to get Isabelle's new medication down her. We managed it eventually. She was on it Friday, Saturday and Sunday, by Monday i stopped giving it to her. It was supposed to stop her being sick, and she was being more sick, she was screaming in pain, waking through the nights and she had terrible diarrhea. I hated seeing her so poorly, so as we were at the hospital on Wednesday anyway, i decided to stop it until i had spoken to them.
Monday was probably one of the worst days so far, in fact, i honestly struggled to get through the day. She was screaming in pain constantly and i couldn't do anything for her. I tried rocking her, singing to her (which normally always calms her down) pacing the house with her, letting her lay down, sit up, everything. It was awful, in the end i just sat and cried with her.
She's been taking less than half her recommended amount in feeds and she's so sick I'm sure most of what she does take comes back up. Her weight really is becoming a worry now, which is another reason why i stopped that medication. If her weights already dipping dramatically, the last thing we want is for her to have diarrhea as well as her sickness.
Tuesday was a much better day, but we were out and about a fair amount which probably helped. We got the bus into town in the morning, as i had arranged a meeting about my return to work. This had been a hot topic for us throughout the week, as we did many sums and tried to work out what would work out for the best. It was a depressing discovery. I worked out that for the number of hours per week i wanted to work, i would earn around £141.17 a week. I then looked into childcare, and to cover those hours with a childminder would cost us around £100 a week! Which would mean id be leaving my baby girl with a stranger, for 22 hours a week (3 hours included for the traveling to take her and fetch her) for £41.17! Another way i saw this, is its like me working my 19 hours for £2.16 an hour, It seems crazy. We then had a couple of offers from family for looking after her.
The hours we arranged for me to work are: All day Tuesday, All day Wednesday, and 12:30-5:30 on a Friday. My mums day off is Tuesday, so she's going to have her then. My sisters day off is Wednesday, she's volunteered to do that, so its only Fridays we need to sort. So 6 hours of childcare to find, which will make life much easier for us. I also have to work the occasional Saturday. When i work a Saturday i wont be working one of either the Tuesday or the Wednesday, which means my mum and Abi will at least get a break every now and then. I feel much better about going back to work since i had this meeting. I know there will be a lot of support there for me and i think I'll actually enjoy it!
I also feel 100% better knowing that for the majority of the time, Isabelle will be being looked after by family, who know all of her special little requirements and will look after her with the same love that we do.
I'm beginning to think a nursery for 6 hours on a Friday might be quite good for Isabelle too. As long as we find a very good one who we can trust do get all her medications right and know all of her allergies i think it'll do her good. She'll be around other children, and when she comes to the age where she has to go to nursery, she'll be more used to it. I have just rung a nursery and Adam and i are going to view it this afternoon :)
So my first day back at work is officially Friday 20th April!
On Wednesday we had Isabelle's hospital appointment. They had a good look at her and checked her weight charts and i explained all of my concerns. To cut a long story short, it turns out she was still reacting to even the prescribed milk that she was on, so they have changed that as well as putting her on another new medication, which (touch wood) we are managing OK with so far. I was very brave and gathered the courage to ask for a second opinion this time, as i really have had enough of seeing her so poorly and its dragged on for so long now. In the end i saw three doctors, who all said the same thing.. so I'm feeling quite confident this time. Isabelle has now had one full day on the new milk, which was yesterday and during the whole day she had 19oz! Which makes a nice change to the usual 12-13 she was having before.. so things are looking up. She is, however, still being incredibly sick, but i guess the medication can take time to get working.
I am still bleeding, its been over two weeks now! I spoke to the hospital this morning and my operation is now on the 8th March! Which is 7 whole weeks away! So it will be the 19th April (ish) before I'm back to my normal self :( I cant believe they are leaving me that long. The thought of being in pain for all those weeks makes me feel so down :(
Love love love xx
There isn't a great deal of news at the moment really, i just wanted to do a short post to keep things going. Isabelle's still doing really well with her routine, sleeping beautifully through the night and having lots of fun at playtime! We've started a mother and baby swimming session on a Thursday too, which we love! I also started my little club last Wednesday, and it was a great success!
We had Isabelle weighed on Thursday.. 5 weeks ago she weighed 12lb 8oz.. and now she weighs 12lb 12.5oz which really isn't a good weight gain, and the health visitors are becoming pretty concerned now. She's still being incredibly sick and not eating much at all. According to the information on her tin of formula she should be having approximately 35oz a day now, and she's having about 15! :(
I attempted to start her new medication yesterday, which is supposed to stop her sickness. Its a liquid medication which i have to give her in a syringe (2ml). The trouble is, it tastes disgusting (I've tried it because of her reaction). I have tried three different ways of getting her to take it and at the moment it seems impossible. We are back at the Hospital on Wednesday though, so i will see what they say there.
In other news, i have now been bleeding for ten days, which I'm sure isn't normal, but i cant seem to get through to them at the hospital. I still don't have a new date for my operation so i need to contact them as soon as possible. The pain is really bad now so i just want it over and done with.
I already cant believe how fast this year is going. We are mid way through January already. I only have about six weeks left until i need to give notice of my return to work, ( We cant afford for me to not go back). Adam and i have decided to spend some time tomorrow looking into childminders in the Worksop area, although we wont be able to sort anything out fully until i know what days i will be working etc. The thought of it all makes me feel sick at the moment to be honest. I cant bare the thought of leaving my little girl. I love the time we spend together so much!
I hope you are all enjoying your January! Please feel free to leave comments, so i don't feel like I'm rambling on to myself!
Love love love! Milly and little Moomin xx
I have just realised that i did that huge blog post last night and didn't even mention my operation. In the early hours of Sunday morning Adam was really poorly. To begin with we thought it was food poisoning from a kebab he'd eaten, but half way through Monday i began to get really painful stomach cramps. We popped out to see some family and as soon as we got home at 5pm i went straight to bed. By about 6mp i was being violently sick, and this continued through the night. I felt really dehydrated but couldn't even sip water without being sick. On Tuesday morning the sickness seemed to have gone, but i felt really weak and achy, so i phoned the hospital to inform them. We spent the majority of the day waiting to hear from different doctors and surgeons before eventually being told my operation was cancelled. So now i have got to wait another couple of weeks before it'll be done. The pain is getting more and more intense and I've now started bleeding (sorry if that's tmi) so i need to ring them back and see what they say. I just want it doing sooner rather than later so the pain will be over.
Its almost been 17 weeks since i had Isabelle now, I've probably got 3 weeks to wait for the op, and then it'll be about another 6 weeks for me to heal, so Adam says he's going to sue them for 'emotional distress'! haha.
Love love love xx
Well, since my last post I'm pleased to say my mood has improved immensely! Things are certainly looking up, and I'm determined to stick to the changes i have made and the new routines we have.
I am actually buzzing with excitement over how things have improved! I've been keeping a record book for Isabelle for the past two days, where i have literally written down everything we've done IE Activities, baths, nappy changes, naps, medication as well as writing down details of what sort of nappy's we are dealing with and how often she's sick.
I'm doing this for two reasons. 1) So i can look back and see if theres a pattern between different things and how well she settles etc. 2) So that if she is particularly unsettled (as she has been lately) i can take the book to the hospital with me to show how often she's being sick etc.
One thing i have changed during the day, which has made an incredible difference, is I've started to put her upstairs in her crib for proper naps. I used to put her down in a crib in the living room, and she never settled, but i think she's used to the fact that her bedroom crib is where she goes to sleep now. It's working brilliantly! Before, i was lucky if i got 20 minutes to myself during the day, now, I'm getting an average of 90 minutes throughout the day with her being completely settled upstairs.
Two other things have changed too. Isabelle is really good at sleeping through the night, and has been for about the past 10 weeks now. When she wakes in the morning, i used to feed her and put her back to bed and try and get another hours sleep myself. I have now stopped doing that, i put her back down for another sleep (and on average she does tend to go for about another hour) but i get up and dressed and crack on with housework. I have found that this completely motivates me for the day ahead, and it means that even if she doesn't settle well for her naps later on, I've still at least had some time to get some jobs done.
Tonight has been a different night for us too. Adams been out (he's just got back) and Isabelle has spent two hours with her Nanna. I fetched her at 9pm and got back at about 9:30. Usually we spend the evenings with her downstairs, we bathe, feed and change her and get her ready for bed, and then just let her sleep on us until we go up to bed. I know this isn't a good routine to get in at all, but we've found the thought of her being upstairs on her own really difficult. We have some baby monitors, but we cant quite get them working properly yet. I am determined to start to get her into a proper bedtime routine now. Tonight is the first night i have put her upstairs and left her. We have just taken her breathing monitors back too, which has made me feel a little nervy again but her breathing has been fine so I'm sure i have nothing to worry about. She took about ten minutes to settle, but nodded off at 10pm. It is now 10:46 and its a case of so far so good! (literally just after i typed that she's started squeaking. Adams gone up so we'll see if he can settle her back to sleep).
The monitors we have are video ones. We've just about managed to get the picture working, its very 'crackly' though, and theres no sound. So we have all the doors open and we can hear her pretty easily.
I'm doing really well with my diet too :) I am literally so happy at the minute. I haven't seen the house looking this good for a long time, and I'm not struggling with it at all. Every time she settles, i crack on with some jobs and its looking fab. I been cooking nice dinners for Adam and I each night this week too. Having that bit of extra time while baby is settled means we can have better meals than just having to grab something quick, as quick food always ends up being unhealthy food!
So things are going really well! (She's asleep again now by the way).
Love love love from a Happy Mrs Elce :) xx
It's new years day today and i wish i could say I'm feeling full of glee and excitement, like i was this time last year. I know it's going to be a very special year with our little lady but I'm feeling rather down today.
I think its because we've had such an amazing Christmas, and now it's all over, it's such an anti-climax. There are three things i am concentrating on now which are making me feel completely awful.
1) I only have one day left with Adam being off work, and at the moment he's really ill. I'm going to miss him insane amounts when he goes back (actually getting tearful writing this). I've got so used to having him around, and having help with Isabelle over the past two weeks and i just know I'm going to feel so alone when he goes back.
2) It's my operation on Tuesday and i really am scared. People probably think I'm being a wimp, i know people have operations all the time, but I've never been put to sleep in my life and I'm terrified. They said when i wake up I'll have tubes all over me and an oxygen mask etc, its going to be so scary! It makes it even worse to think that i shouldn't even have to be going through this! If they'd done it right in the first place i wouldn't have anything to be worrying about!
3) I am becoming increasingly aware that my 'return to work' date is getting closer and closer. It isn't until April, but the past few months have gone so quickly, i know it'll be here in no time. The thought of leaving my baby girl makes me feel physically sick. I have got to trust a stranger with her life! She's the most precious thing in the world to me, how do i choose a random person to replace me in looking after her? The thing that worries me most, is Isabelle now has a list of medications as long as my arm, so i need to trust that the carers will get it all right! I honestly can't bare the thought of it at the moment, but i know its something i need to start thinking about.
New Year usually makes me feel so positive, i wish i could just shake myself out of this gloomy mood I'm in today. I think its just a mixture of tiredness and loneliness today. Adam was incredibly ill in the middle of the night last night, so i was up between 3:30- 6 looking after him and cleaning up. It appears he has food poisoning :( He's been in bed all day and it absolutely broken my heart to see him so poorly. Isabelle's gone to Birmingham with Adams mum to meet some of the family, so I've spent the day on my own. I am really glad Izzy has gone on her little day trip though because its meant Adams had a day of undisturbed sleep, and I've managed to have a bit of a rest myself. I just feel exhausted, yet restless, if that makes any sense at all.
I'm going to make myself a nice strong coffee now, and try and crack on with some housework, because as daft as it seems, that normally cheers me up. I've got just less than 3 hours before i need to fetch Isabelle, so I'm going to have an hour of work, then theres a film on i want to watch. So hopefully this gloomy mood will fizzle away this evening. If not within the next couple of hours, I'm sure it will when i get a snuggle and a beautiful smile from my little girl!
I have got four New Years Resolutions which i am determined to stick to this year.
1) Lose weight!! I want to lose approximately 3 stone. I put so much weight on when i was pregnant (and quite a bit during the months before) and my confidence is at rock bottom at the moment. In fact, i haven't even had that many photo's of me with Isabelle, because i can hardly bare to look at myself. I think Adams getting pretty fed up of me moaning about it all the time! So by the end of 2012 i will be fitting in my size 10's again :p .. hopefully! I really am feeling determined with it though, and I've got good plans for weight loss this year :)
2) Be more careful with money. Obviously while I've been on Maternity leave, our money situation has been very different. In the end, we still managed to have a wonderful Christmas, but we're struggling for it now! I'm going to be a lot more careful about what i spend my money on, and aim to put £20 a month away so I've got it saved up to do my Christmas shopping in November. Every year so far, we've had to try and do all the shopping from one payday or two, and its really hard, so I'm determined to save throughout the year. Not just for Chrismas, in general.
3) Be more organised at home. If there are any of you reading this who have babies yourself, will you please comment on this post and let me know how you get on with housework and a little one please?
4) Spend more time as a family. We don't really get a lot of time to spend together, as Adam works Monday to Friday and then Referee's on Saturdays and Sundays. We normally have 1:30pm-6pm on a Sunday to spend together, and i want to make sure we really start to make the most of that time. I want to aim to visit family more too. Grandparents/Aunties and Uncles etc.. I don't want them to miss Isabelle growing up.
So they are my four resolutions.. nothing too difficult there i don't think, but I'm determined to work hard on each and every one of them :)
I've just had a message to say my baby girl is on her way back from Birmingham :) .. so I'd better get some work done while i still have the chance! Then she can snuggle up with me and we can watch the film together. Loneliness sorted! Feeling better already :)
Happy New Year!!
