Happy New Year!!

It's new years day today and i wish i could say I'm feeling full of glee and excitement, like i was this time last year. I know it's going to be a very special year with our little lady but I'm feeling rather down today.
I think its because we've had such an amazing Christmas, and now it's all over, it's such an anti-climax. There are three things i am concentrating on now which are making me feel completely awful.

1) I only have one day left with Adam being off work, and at the moment he's really ill. I'm going to miss him insane amounts when he goes back (actually getting tearful writing this). I've got so used to having him around, and having help with Isabelle over the past two weeks and i just know I'm going to feel so alone when he goes back.

2) It's my operation on Tuesday and i really am scared. People probably think I'm being a wimp, i know people have operations all the time, but I've never been put to sleep in my life and I'm terrified. They said when i wake up I'll have tubes all over me and an oxygen mask etc, its going to be so scary! It makes it even worse to think that i shouldn't even have to be going through this! If they'd done it right in the first place i wouldn't have anything to be worrying about!

3) I am becoming increasingly aware that my 'return to work' date is getting closer and closer. It isn't until April, but the past few months have gone so quickly, i know it'll be here in no time. The thought of leaving my baby girl makes me feel physically sick. I have got to trust a stranger with her life! She's the most precious thing in the world to me, how do i choose a random person to replace me in looking after her? The thing that worries me most, is Isabelle now has a list of medications as long as my arm, so i need to trust that the carers will get it all right! I honestly can't bare the thought of it at the moment, but i know its something i need to start thinking about.

New Year usually makes me feel so positive, i wish i could just shake myself out of this gloomy mood I'm in today. I think its just a mixture of tiredness and loneliness today. Adam was incredibly ill in the middle of the night last night, so i was up between 3:30- 6 looking after him and cleaning up. It appears he has food poisoning :( He's been in bed all day and it absolutely broken my heart to see him so poorly. Isabelle's gone to Birmingham with Adams mum to meet some of the family, so I've spent the day on my own. I am really glad Izzy has gone on her little day trip though because its meant Adams had a day of undisturbed sleep, and I've managed to have a bit of a rest myself. I just feel exhausted, yet restless, if that makes any sense at all.

I'm going to make myself a nice strong coffee now, and try and crack on with some housework, because as daft as it seems, that normally cheers me up. I've got just less than 3 hours before i need to fetch Isabelle, so I'm going to have an hour of work, then theres a film on i want to watch. So hopefully this gloomy mood will fizzle away this evening. If not within the next couple of hours, I'm sure it will when i get a snuggle and a beautiful smile from my little girl!

I have got four New Years Resolutions which i am determined to stick to this year.

1) Lose weight!! I want to lose approximately 3 stone. I put so much weight on when i was pregnant (and quite a bit during the months before) and my confidence is at rock bottom at the moment. In fact, i  haven't even had that many photo's of me with Isabelle, because i can hardly bare to look at myself. I think Adams getting pretty fed up of me moaning about it all the time! So by the end of 2012  i will be fitting in my size 10's again :p .. hopefully! I really am feeling determined with it though, and I've got good plans for weight loss this year :)

2) Be more careful with money. Obviously while I've been on Maternity leave, our money situation has been very different. In the end, we still managed to have a wonderful Christmas, but we're struggling for it now! I'm going to be a lot more careful about what i spend my money on, and aim to put £20 a month away so I've got it saved up to do my Christmas shopping in November. Every year so far, we've had to try and do all the shopping from one payday or two, and its really hard, so I'm determined to save throughout the year. Not just for Chrismas, in general.

3) Be more organised at home. If there are any of you reading this who have babies yourself, will you please comment on this post and let me know how you get on with housework and a little one please?


4) Spend more time as a family. We don't really get a lot of time to spend together, as Adam works Monday to Friday and then Referee's on Saturdays and Sundays. We normally have 1:30pm-6pm on a Sunday to spend together, and i want to make sure we really start to make the most of that time. I want to aim to visit family more too. Grandparents/Aunties and Uncles etc.. I don't want them to miss Isabelle growing up.

So they are my four resolutions.. nothing too difficult there i don't think, but I'm determined to work hard on each and every one of them :)

I've just had a message to say my baby girl is on her way back from Birmingham :) .. so I'd better get some work done while i still have the chance! Then she can snuggle up with me and we can watch the film together. Loneliness sorted! Feeling better already :)

Happy New Year!!